Hidan's New Body
by MistyxKisame
Summary: After getting turned into a woman, Hidan must get used to his new body as well as fight off advances from his fellow members. Meanwhile, Tobi makes terrible boob jokes.
1. A New Body

This is my first (Naruto) femslash story. Here.

WARNING: This story contains a female Hidan.

* * *

"Damn it, Kakuzu. Get your hands off of me!" Hidan slapped the miser's hands off of his body. The albino had a reason to be acting this way because not too long ago some ninja sent some sort of jutsu at his body transforming him into a woman. That asshole paid dearly for it, but too bad the priest, or rather priestess, should have made the man tell him how to turn back.

Kakuzu had been tasked with the job of making sure no serious damage had been done, but the Jashinist refused to let the miser anywhere near his new body. "Hidan hold still. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Yes you are!" the albino folded his…uh her…arms. "I can see that look in your eyes! Y-you're going to rape me!"

"R-rape you? You're the must unattractive woman I've ever seen. Why in the hell would I want to rape you?"

"I-I don't know! Just stop probing me!" Hidan leaped off the examining table she was sitting on. "Jashin, I hate this stupid body! Look at these things!"

Hidan was playing with her big breasts and was making her partner want to leave this hot mess to Konan. "These are gonna get in the way! I can't even use my scythe as well as I fucking used to! Hm…Kakuzu, could you…"

"Hell no! Anyway, they'll just grow back. You can heal yourself, remember?"

"Oh yeah…FUCK! Now what am I supposed to do! I don't fucking know how to be a damn woman!" Hidan cursed the dead ninja for making her a woman.

"Not that you knew how to be a man." mumbled the miser. "Look, Hidan. I know it's hard, but I can't help you here. I don't know shit about woman, but Konan does, so ask her."

"Why?" Hidan continued to play with his milk-jugs.

"Because she's a damn woman and I'm fucking not."

"B-but I can't go out looking like this! W-what if I get…"

"If you say raped, I'll do it myself!"

"Okay! Okay! Geez!" Hidan clutched her cloak tightly and covered up her chest. 'I swear to fucking Jashin if I get raped or someone touches me, everyone dies!'

"Hey Hidan-san!"

"GO BURN IN HE…oh…it's you. What do you want asshat?" Hidan glared at Tobi.

Tobi stared at Hidan's face for about an hour before grabbing the priestess's breasts and running down the hallway screaming, "HIDAN GOT A SEX CHANGE!"

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Hidan yelled before rushing over to Pein's office and knocking on the door.

"Come in Hidan." Pein sighed from behind the door. He knew the man's knocking all too well by now.

"Fuckface, I want Konan's ass out here now!" The priestess said slamming the door shut.

"I'm right here…what the…" Konan stared at Hidan's transformed body and was speakless. "Um what happened to you?"

"I turned into a fucking woman, that's fucking what! Ask fucking fuckface what happened! Anyway, Konan…I don't really fucking like your ass, but I need you to teach me to be a girl."

"Sure." Konan grabbed Hidan's arm. "Come on, Hidan. We'd better start with the basics. Pein, um go check with Kakuzu and find out what he has to say about…this."

2 Hours later

"So…babies come from here?" Hidan pointed between her legs. "And the milk comes from my boobs…and every month…I bleed from the same place…"

"Correct."

"…and I can't take off my shirt anymore."

"Correct."

"Explain." The priestess hated that she couldn't take off her shirt. Hell he hated wearing shirts most of the time and didn't like the fact that she had to keep on her cloak or put on a shirt.

"You're a woman Hidan. Breasts are inappropriate to show in public, so you have to cover them up and that means putting on a bra **_and _**a shirt."

"Fine." Hidan sighed. "But what about the bleeding thing. Does that do anything special?"

"Just don't worry about that part. When you bleed down there, let me know."

"Okay." The albino watched as the older woman left. 'Being a woman's complicated…I guess it's time to pray to Jashin-sama.'

Before Hidan left the room, she looked at herself in the mirror. Not much had changed. She still had her gray hair and purple eyes and it was obvious that she was the male Hidan in female form, but there were some differences. She, as mentioned before, had big boobs. She now a nicely shaped body. Smiling, Hidan moved his hair out of his eyes and straightened her cloak.

"Hm, I've never noticed how fuckin' sexy I am." Hidan winked at himself. "I'd totally fuck me."

"Oh, you're still here." Kakuzu had just entered the room.

"Well duh, why wouldn't I be here?" Hidan was still looking at herself in the mirror while posing and looking at herself at different angles. "Hey, fuckface, I bet you could never look as hot as me!"

"Does it look like I give a fuck?"

"Shut up, dickhead." Hidan kissed his Jashin amulet. "I bet Jashin-sama gave me this body for a reason. I'd better go thank him. Later asshole!"

"He's in a better mood." The miser observed as the Jashinist skipped out of the room. "I just hope he gets over the rapist thing."

* * *

And that's all for now. For you want more, review please!


	2. Boob Problems

"Oh dear Jashin-sama, thank you for giving me this fine ass." Hidan prayed. "I promise to use this sexy body to seduce men (and lesbians) and lead them to their death."

Hidan kissed her amulet and stood up to leave her secret prayer spot when she spotted Zetsu watching her. This annoyed and angered her since this was a holy spot meant for praying to Jashin. That plant had no business in her sacred area.

"Get outta here, asshole!" she shouted at him.

Zetsu looked surprised for a moment and then quickly sunk into the ground. The Jashinist mumbled to herself before heading back off to the hideout. Maybe she could practice seducing her fellow akatsuki members…but then again those dumbasses might try and pull one on her and she would end up tied up and raped. She quickly prayed to Jashin once more before heading inside and accidently bumping into Kisame.

"Oh hey Hidan. You look different."

"Oh, uh…" Hidan blushed. Even though she had kept it a secret, she had always had a crush on Kisame. The older male had always interested her and she often had fantasies about him all the time. When she had been a man, she tried getting rid of the feelings, but now, she could have him all she wanted…If he would have her.

"Tobi said you had a sex change." Kisame noticed that Hidan was messing with her breasts. "I guess its true then."

"I didn't actually have a fucking sex change. I just got turned into a girl by some bastard. I don't know if its gonna wear off." The priestess sighed as she continued playing with her chest.

"How did it feel?" Kisame asked, trying not to stare at Hidan's chest.

"It burned a little, but it didn't hurt." Hidan suddenly squeaked in surprise. "Jashin! My nipples are so sensitive!"

"Maybe you should stop messing around with your…uh…chest Hidan." Kisame rubbed the back of his neck. Truth be told, he was getting a little turned on by the albino playing with her boobs.

"I can't help it. They're kinda fun to play with." The priest blushed. "They're so soft and…my nipples feel so good when you tug on them."

Kisame looked uncomfortable while the young woman was enjoying herself. 'Come on, Kisame. Move your blue ass! If she notices you staring, she's going to kick your ass.'

"Do you wanna felt them Kisame? They're so nice and round!" Hidan put her back against the shark's chest, grabbed Kisame's hand, and placed them on her chest. Indeed her chest did feel as nice as Hidan said it was, but kami-sama it was still wrong, especially with the dirty thoughts floating around in his mind.

"Hidan, Leader-sama wants to speak…" Kakuzu noticed the position the two ninjas were in and quickly left.

* * *

Hidan glared at her boss when she saw what her boss wanted her to wear. "What the fuck?! I'm not wearing that shit!"

"You are if you want to stay in this organization!" Pein watched as Hidan picked up the bra.

"I ain't wearing that shit!" Hidan threw it.

"Hidan, we can't have your breasts flopping around everywhere." Pein sighed. "Look, either wear a bra or a shirt."

"No way!" the priestess took off running. "FREEDOM BITCHES!"

The woman then back flipped out of the room and jumped on the sofa on top of Sasori's lap. The puppet master stared at the woman's breasts and poked one none too gently.

"Damn it, Sasori!" the albino hugged her chest. "They're sensitive."

"So I see." Sasori smirked. "So…I heard you got a sex change."

"I DIDN'T GET A SEX CHANGE! PISS OFF, MIDGET!"

"I don't think I'll be able to." The red head got a creepy look on his face as he leaned closer to her face.

Hidan's eyes widened. 'Oh shit. He's going to rape me!'

"Hidan put a shirt on!" Kakuzu yelled at the priestess.

Actually happy to see the miser, she hugged him. "Kakuzu! Protect me! That asshole's a creep."

"Oh come on, Hidan. You know I could easily satisfy you."

"With what? Your one inch dick?"

"Oooh! Burn!" said Deidara from the kitchen.

* * *

"What the hell is this shit?" Hidan stared at the dish Konan had sat in front of her. The purple haired woman was supposed to be teaching her how to eat properly, like a little lady. Hidan's previous eating habits were disgusting, but excusable since he was a man. However, since he was now a girl, it was time to start teaching her how to eat like she was raised in a house and not a barn.

"It's a Rice Omelet."

"What's this red stuff? Blood?" The priestess poked it.

"No, its sauce. Now, pick up your spoon."

She picked up her spoon. "Like this?"

"Yes. Now dip this end into the food." Konan carefully demonstrated this to Hidan. When she was about to propose that she did so too, she found that she was eating with one of her hands and was holding the spoon in the other. "No! Hidan, stop! That's not how you eat! Eat with the spoon like I showed you!"

"What?" Hidan had already finished.

"Nevermind." She sighed. "We'll continue this tomorrow…note to self, cook more food."

Konan left with a sigh. Maybe teaching her how to be a proper lady would take more time than she thought. The priestess just kicked her feet up on the table and started scratching the bottom of her feet with it. That seemed like the only thing it was good for anyway.

"Good morning, Hidan." Zetsu greeted the woman.

"Don't fucking talk to me. I saw you watching me yesterday." Hidan glared at the plant man.

"We weren't watching you. **_Tobi told us something very interesting yesterday."_** The plant giggled. "Yes, Tobi said you had a sex change. **_We only wanted to see if it was true._**"

"I'm going to kill that bastard." Hidan sighed.

"Nice breasts."

"They're a pain in the ass. I can't use my…STOP STARING AT THEM!"

"Well they're too big to ignore!" The bipolar man insisted.

"Damn things." The albino hugged them. "Kakuzu said they'd just grow back if I cut them off or somethin'. How do people stand these…STOP STARING!"

"**_Don't pretend you don't like them, Hidan. We saw how much you enjoyed touching them yesterday. _**Yes, you enjoyed them far too much."

Hidan blushed even though he didn't know why. "I…DON'T JUDGE ME!"

"Hm…could we have a feel?" Zetsu stepped closer to the woman.

"Wah?! NO!" Hidan covered up her chest. "You can't touch my chest! T-that's my…uh…private property!"

"**_Come on, let us have a little feel._** We'll be gentle." The plant man had a sneaky look in his eyes before grabbing Hidan's breasts.

"Ah! S-stop!" She whimpered as Zetsu began groping. "If you don't get your…filthy hands off of me…"

She was having a difficult time trying to pry the man's hands off since his fingertips were on her nipples. Even though his fingers were on her nipples, Hidan wasn't sure if she was happy or not that they weren't under her cloak touching them. "**_Hmm…these are very sensitive. _**Too bad that they don't lactate. **_Maybe we could…_**"

"Oh hell no!" Although Konan hadn't gotten to the whole "reproduction process", the only way she was going to lactate was to gain a baby and Hidan wasn't ready to have a baby. "I don't want a fucking kid with you! Get off me! Get…ah, ah…"

"I guess she's really sensitive in this new body." Zetsu smirked as he took in the scent of the albino.

"YES, I KNOW!" Hidan yelled, getting ready to kick the man's ass. "STOP TOUCHING ME!"

"Hidan, stop fooling around." It was Konan. "We're going shopping."

Hidan was relieved that Konan had come to her rescue. She had intended on thanking the woman when said woman came in the kitchen, but ended up regretting it a couple of hours later. When she said "**shopping**", Hidan didn't think they were going to spend 2 hours looking at clothes, trying on bras, and only buying a little bit of clothes and they _still_ weren't done.

"Can we go home now? I'm bored!" The priestess whined. "Come on, Konan! This is taking forever! Is this what women do?"

"Yes. We're almost done. We just have to go buy some makeup."

"But…"

"No buts Hidan. Look, I know you're new to this, but you have to understand that we woman need a lot more things than a man does."

Hidan rolled her eyes as Konan began to babble about all of the important things a woman needed for everyday things, from looking good to personal needs. Personally, she couldn't care less about what she was saying. All she wanted was to get the fuck away from Konan and kill some people.

Sometime later, the two were finally done and headed back to the hideout. Thinking about what happened earlier, Hidan quickly hurried to her room and locked the door. In the inside, she saw Kakuzu counting his money.

"Oh. You're in here." Hidan threw down her shopping bags and laid in her bed. "I fucking hate being a woman. It's too hard and people keep wanting to grab my boobs. That plant fucker even tried to get me pregnant just so my boobs would have some milk."

"I'm surprised they don't already have some."

"Are you trying to say that I'm sleeping with people?" the woman was insulted by her partner's statement. "I'm a saint and you should know that by now. I would never have sinful sex with anyone."

Although he didn't agree with the "saint" part, he had to admit that Hidan wasn't one to sleep around. As a matter of fact, whenever a prostitute or just a random girl flirted with the priest and hinted at sex, Hidan would always turn them down and it would often lead to their death. However, he just assumed that the priest was just gay.

"Even if that's the case, maybe you should get a chastity belt."

"A what?"

"A chastity belt…its used to prevent rape, dumbass."

"Hm." Hidan tapped her chin. "Do they make…"

"No. By the way, Konan asked me to make sure you wear a bra and/or a shirt every day."

"W-what?" Hidan hugged her chest. "Y-you mean you're gonna…oh hell no! I ain't wearing it! Hell I didn't even wear one today."

"Hm…maybe that's why Zetsu had so much fun with your chest earlier."

Hidan was silent for a moment. "Fuckface…"

"What?" Kakuzu said not looking up from his money.

"I'm hot."

"And you're telling me this because…"

"I'm gonna take off my fucking cloak and I don't want you staring at my goods!" The ninja remarked as she began to undo her cloak. "Keep counting your fucking money, asshole."

"I have better things to do than stare at your…'goods'. I'm trying to do something." Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"Good, 'cuz the 'girls'' needed to get some air." Hidan suddenly realized what she was saying. "What the hell am I saying? Oh no…I'M IN FULL BITCH MODE!"

"You mean you're starting to act more like a girl, right? Well you still have your voice." said the miser.

"M-my voice." Hidan touched her throat. "Damn it. You mean my voice is going to change too? I hate this dumbass body. I mean, I look good and all, but it's fucking useless."

"I realize that, but you'll manage. Now, stop complaining." Kakuzu sighed. "Go find someone else to bother."

Hidan glared at the miser. "Fine then, asshole. You're boring as shit anyway."

The priestess left the room, feeling angry. When would this jutsu wear the hell off? Being a woman sucked ass. Maybe sacrificing someone to Jashin-sama would cheer her up and she knew the perfect place. After grabbing her cloak and her scythe, the young woman headed out.


	3. Hidan's Drunk Night Out

"Holy shit, I'm fucking drunk." Hidan mumbled to herself as she stumbled out of the bar. Behind her, she left about 15 bloody Jashinist symbols all over the bar along with the same number of bodies. The only person alive was the bartender and an old ass dog. The young woman had left them alive only because the bartender was the one supplying the drinks and the dog…well Jashin-sama didn't want dogs and besides, Hidan had a dog once.

"I-is t-that all m-ma'am?" the nervous bartender asked. 'Please don't let me be next, Kami-sama!'

"One more can't…" she hit her head on the bar counter after taking a seat again. "…hurt."

The man quickly got the woman another drink, still scared. She was still in her cursed form (she had done her sacrificing technique on the spot where she was sitting) and he was scared that he was going to be next. The priestess quickly downed the drink and demanded another, even though it was possible she was going to regret it in the morning.

After a few more drinks, Hidan decided it was time to leave. Paying the man, the woman stumbled out of the bar, dragging her scythe behind her. Normally she could take more than 7 drinks without getting wasted, but it seemed that woman could only take less alcohol than a man. No wonder she was shit-faced. Never in Hidan's life did she ever have trouble walking, not even when she first started walking.

"Jashin-sama, why did I drink so much?" The priestess whimpered as she stopped to throw up. "Oh fuck, I need help."

"Hidan, is that you?"

"K-kisame, is that you?" Hidan slurred.

"Yeah it's me. Are you okay?" The shark quickly caught the ninja as she stumbled towards him and fell.

"I'm fucking drunk. Take me home, fishy." The priestess coughed and threw up, thankfully, on the ground.

"Damn, Hidan. How much did you have?" The shark said carrying the woman bridal style.

"15." Hidan giggled. "I'm so shit-faced right now. I feel like…shit…hey, Kisame?"

"Huh?"

"That sword…Samedaha, right?"

"What about it?"

"Is it…supposed to, you know, compensate for something?" Hidan giggled.

"What? Hell no." Kisame smirked. "Everyone pretty much says that, but then again they've never seen the real thing."

"Awesome…how big is it?"

"I don't mean to brag, but pretty huge."

"Could I see it?"

Kisame chuckled softly. "You're drunk, Hidan. Let's just concentrate on getting back to the hideout."

"Okay, Kisame-chan!" The Jashinist giggled, liking the sound of the name she called Kisame.

After getting back to the hideout, the albino was laid down in her bed. "There you go, Hidan. See you later."

"W-wait." Hidan pulled his arm. "I-I have to pee. Carry me?"

Kisame looked a bit awkward, but picked up the albino woman. He wasn't sure what to do next. Hidan obviously wasn't in the position to pee on her own (plus there was the fact that she was covered in alcohol, blood, and smelled like barf), so that meant that not only did he have to help her pee, but also help her bathe. In the state she was in, the swordsman knew there was a high risk that Hidan was going to attack him as she had done to the people in the bar. He could have asked Kakuzu to help her, being that they were partners and all, but alas, the older man was on a bounty mission.

Upon reaching the toilet, Kisame knew what he had to do, but wasn't sure what would happen. Praying that Hidan wouldn't try to attack him, he slowly pulled down her panties and held her as she used the toilet while she gripped his cloak. After that was done, Kisame ran a hot bath for her. Now came the hard part.

"Okay, Hidan, get in the tub."

"No…I don't wanna fucking move!" Hidan gripped his cloak tightly. "I wanna sleep."

"You smell awful, so you need a bath. Konan asked me to look after you until Kakuzu gets back from his mission, so get in or I'll do it myself!"

Hidan wasn't listening since she had drifted off to sleep. Kisame's eye twitched and he sighed. Trying not to wake her up, he quickly undressed her and put her into the bath water. He had to admit, as a woman, she was pretty hot and her body was amazing.

"Kisame-chaaan…" Hidan whispered.

"Hm?"

"You're blue." The albino ran a soft hand over Kisame's cheek. "And you have gills too."

The swordsman blushed. "Y-yeah, Hidan. I know."

"You have sharp teeth too, Kisa-chan." Hidan blushed and leaned forward as Kisame ran a bath cloth over her face. "Does it hurt when you bite your tongue?

"Not really. I've gotten used to it by now." He tried to concentrate as he began to wash her arms. 'Damn it…I have to clean her chest **_and_** down there too.'

"Kisa-chan, your skin is so soft. Touch me…" Hidan wrapped her arms around the shark's neck. "Touch me anywhere you want."

"W-what?"

"When you touch me, it feels nice."

The shark looked away and decided it was best to ignore her comments for now. She couldn't have possibly meant what she said. "Hidan, use this to clean your…um…the rest of yourself."

"Why can't you do it?" slurred the ninja.

"Well…'cuz…uh…" Kisame flinched when Hidan grabbed his hand and placed it on her chest.

"Come on, Kisa-chan." The albino smirked. "I don't mind. I'm too drunk to even fucking care anyway."

The swordsman took a deep breath and continued to clean Hidan. He felt uncomfortable cleaning the rest of the woman's body and was worried that his fingers might slip into a place where they weren't welcome. Luckily for him, everything went fine, except for when Hidan moaned. That just made Kisame want to leave quickly before he hopped on the ninja.

'There! Done!' The shark picked up the naked woman, quickly put her into a towel, and laid her down on her bed. "Good night, Hidan."

"W-wait…" Hidan tried to sit up, but ended up laying back down after feeling like she was going to throw up again. "Stay with me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'll fall asleep faster, Kisa-chan." She begged with pleading eyes. "Please…"

"Fine, just stop looking at me like that." Hidan scooted over, making room for the man and blushing. "You're so cute when you blush, Kisa-chan. Heheh…"

* * *

**_THE NEXT MORNING_**

Hidan yawned as she woke up, only to see that Kisame's arms were wrapped around her waist. Smiling, she pressed her face up to his and stroked his gills. 'He's so cute! Too bad I can't do this all the time.'

"Hidan, I'm ba…" Kakuzu stared at the couple. "Oh. I didn't know I was interrupting something."

"Shut the fuck up, cunt!" Hidan threw a pillow at her partner. "I asked him to stay in here with me last night when I was drunk."

"And you two then had sex."

"We didn't."

"Then why are you naked?" Kakuzu smirked.

"I'm not…" Hidan looked down and indeed she was naked due to the fact that the towel had fallen off. "Shit!"

She quickly covered herself with the towel, got some clothes, and ran into the bathroom. The man chuckled softly. 'They totally banged.'


	4. More Troubles

After putting on a pair of shorts and a shirt (bra surprisingly included), Hidan tried to leave the room without her partner knowing she was leaving the room. She stopped when she heard him clear his throat. "What the fuck do you want?"

"You forgot your boyfriend." He laughed.

"Shut the hell up!" Hidan slammed the door and made her way to the kitchen. Being drunk all night always left her wanting a snack. However, she found Tobi in the kitchen and breakfast was forgotten. "YOU!"

"Hello!" Tobi said cheerfully.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" Hidan had the masked ninja in a headlock. "You told every-fucking-one I got a damn sex change!"

"W-well you did!" Tobi pointed out.

"NO I DIDN'T YOU ASSHOLE!" Hidan threw Tobi down on the floor and raised a foot about to step on his face when Tobi's foot kicked Hidan in the crotch. Since Hidan was a girl, it didn't affect her as Tobi hoped it would. "HA! IN YOUR FACE YOU SHIT BAG!"

"Not so fast, Hidan-san!" Tobi had made a shadow clone that grabbed the woman's breasts from behind.

"What the…let go of me!"

Tobi started to run off, but then turned and said, "You may be a **_boob_** sometimes, Hidan-san, but you're still my **_breast_** friend!"

"TOBI!" Hidan punched the shadow clone and ran after him.

As the two ran down the hallway, Deidara was walking out of his room with a bucket in his hands. It was full of a new experiment he had been working on. It consisted of melted clay with the stickiest of ingredients mixed into it. Deidara had been experimenting with his clay for the past 3 weeks and finally had a breakthrough. He was finally able to create the greatest super clay in the world. Now his clay would successfully stick to his enemies and they would have an incredibly hard time getting it off.

"Are you sure you should be walking around with that stuff?" asked his partner as he began to head outside to test his experiment.

"As long as some dumb ass doesn't walk into me, then I'll be…" Before he could finish, Tobi barely missed him, causing him to spill a bunch on the floor. "DAMN IT TOBI!"

"S-sorry Deidara-senpai!" Tobi continued to run, not bothering to stop.

"Oh, you're going to be sorry alright, un!" Deidara turned and shook a fist. He then mumbled to himself as he turned to continue heading outside when Hidan ran right into him, knocking both ninjas onto the ground while covering them with the sticky substance.

"Shit! Thanks a lot for getting in my way, shithead!" Hidan cursed the bomber, but was secretly thankful that she had landed on something soft.

"Hey, you're the one that ran into me first!" yelled the annoyed ninja.

Hidan tried to get up, but found that her hands were stuck on the floor next to the ninja's head and her. "What the hell…what is this? Why the fuck am I stuck?"

"That's because you and that little shit made me spill my special sticky clay!" Deidara sighed. "That means we're gonna be stuck here for some time, un."

"Shit." She sighed too. That meant that she had to stay in the same position for hours until they could be freed as her "goods" were hanging over the man's face. Maybe… "Deidara, blow us up!"

"W-what?"Deidara's eyes widened. "Are you crazy?! We'll die!"

"You'll die. I'm immortal."

"Leader-sama will get mad and…"

"STOP BEING SUCH A DAMN BABY! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT…" Hidan stopped talking as soon as she felt something grope her ass. "Deidara, you have 5 seconds to let go of my ass."

The bomber didn't let go and continued to grope the albino's ass. Hidan growled and moved her hips trying to get his hands off of her ass. However the young man didn't mind. As Hidan moved, her chest moved too and he was enjoying the site, but too bad she wasn't topless. She glared the blonde man.

"Stop touching me you ass…" The young woman stopped talking and kneed the man in the crotch. "Keep those hands where I can see 'em, mother fucker!"

"Shit!" the man beneath her groaned in pain, but placed his hands back on her bottom.

After an hour of being in the same position with Deidara enjoying her ass, fondling her boobs, and managed to enjoy it even more once he figured out how to get Hidan's pants down without her knowing, the priestess could have screamed for joy when she heard Konan. Upon reaching the couple, the woman could only stare and after a bit, she came over. "Am I interrupting?"

"No! We're just about to get to the good part!" Hidan said sarcastically. "HELP ME, YOU ASSHOLE!"

Konan shook her head, left for a minute, and came back with some hot water. After the two were free and she pulled back on her pants, the priestess slapped Deidara as hard as she could, nearly knocking him back into the gunk. Konan quickly grabbed the younger woman and dragged her to the medical bay and placed her in on a bed.

"Why the fuck are we here?" Hidan asked, although what she was really wondering was why Konan dragged her away when she needed to beat the crap out of a certain pair troublemakers who had lied about how she became a woman and the other was sexually molesting her not too long ago.

"It's time for another lesson, Hidan." explained Konan as she pulled out a flip chart that had a picture of a woman and baby on the front. "It's time for an important lesson in sex ed."

Konan then spent the next hour telling Hidan about sex and why it was important to practice safe sex. Unfortunately for her, she wasted her time because Hidan fell asleep after Konan got to the part about how she was going to speak about sex. About the time she was done explaining about safe sex, Hidan farted and woke up.

"Wah-what happened?" The young woman said looking around. "I-is it over?"

"Were you sleeping the whole time?" Konan hit the albino's head with her pointer.

"Hell yeah I did!" Hidan yawned. "No offense, but when am I going to need to know how to have sex or have children?"

"Well, you never know. You might want kids someday and it helps to know what's going on before, during, and after." Konan shrugged her shoulders. "But I don't know…seems like it was wasted on you after your little…how should I put this…session with blonde."

"Hey! That was an accident!" the albino growled.

"Mmm-hm. Anyway, since you're too bored to continue our lesson or even listen, I have something for you." Konan threw a bag at her face and left, mumbling under her breath as she left.

Hidan glared at her, but then looked through the bag. It was full of condoms, lube, baby books, a book called, "Sex and You: Knowing Your Body and Your Partner's", and "Sex for Dummies: Woman Edition". The albino started at the items for a minute and then began to blow up condom balloons.

* * *

Upon leaving the room, Hidan's stomach was growling. "Damn. I forgot to eat breakfast earlier. Time to eat, I fucking guess. I can go kick Deidara and Tobi's asses later."

Hidan happily helped herself to some cereal, but wondered if any of the things Konan had given her would come in handy someday. Well there was no time to worry about it at the moment. For right now, she needed to fill herself with food. All that napping made her hungry.

"Good afternoon, Hidan." Pein greeted the young woman. "Did everything go okay with Konan?"

"I slept the whole fucking time, but she did give me that shit." She said pointing to the bag on the floor.

Pein sighed. "Hidan, look…I know you're new to this stuff, but you're supposed to listen to Konan. Until you're a man again, you have to learn how to act like a woman and behave like a lady. I know it's going to be boring, but…."

"I know you're trying to fucking help, but I've got this all under control."

"Oh really?" The leader said as he held up a condom balloon. "Are you sure?"

"Shut the hell up. Like I'm ever going to need that shit anyway." The albino yawned. "It's not like I'm not going to be a woman forever."

"That doesn't mean you have to this situation lightly." Pein rolled his eyes. "Just take this seriously...and stop fooling around with the other members."

"I'm not fooling around! I was sexually molested more than once, you gingered haired bastard!" She angrily shook her fist at the ginger.

"Oh, then what was that little scene I saw on the camera in the hallway? You seemed to be enjoying yourself when he stuck his hands in your pants and put his hands under your shirt."

"I wasn't fucking enjoying myself!" Hidan blushed, slightly angry and embarrassed.

"It didn't look like it, especially when he…nevermind. If you want to do something like that, do it elsewhere…like you did with a certain somebody who shall not be named."

"If you're talking about Sasori and Zetsu, they were doing the same thing as Deidara's dumb ass and I didn't fucking like it!"

Pein raised a brow. "I was talking about Kisame."

"WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX, DAMN IT!" The woman quickly left with her bag, angry. Pein, on the other hand shook his head. If this kept up, he wouldn't be surprised is the priestess got knocked up anytime soon.

* * *

Hidan felt dirty after her small talk with her boss. Did he really think she would sleep with any of the retards in the akatsuki? Well hell no she wouldn't…well except for Kisame. What the hell did he mean that they had sex? Was it because he saw both of them enter the room and just assumed so? Whatever he saw, it was wrong. Sighing, Hidan decided headed into the bathroom to clean herself from the dirtiness she felt from both Deidara and Tobi touching her and from the fact that Pein somewhat implied that she was using her new body for a dirty unsaintly deed.

The priestess leaned over and turned on the bath water. She lifted her shirt over her head and unhooked her lacy black bra, uncovering her large breasts. She instantly felt the need to blame them for her being groped, but decided to blame it on the fucking horny perverts that touched them. After quickly taking the rest off, Hidan got into the bath water and started to relax. As she sat there soaking in the tub, the young woman couldn't help but to wonder why was it that everyone was all over her now that she was a girl. There wasn't anything special about her and nothing really all that different. As a matter of fact, the only thing Hidan knew what was different was that she had breasts and a petite feminine body.

'I'm no fucking different than the rest. Maybe women just fucking give off some sort of scent…" Hidan thoughts started to drift off. 'I wonder if we're different down there…'

A little curious she slid her hand from down her slim stomach down to her crotch only to find something else there. What the hell was going on?! Hidan started to panic. The thing was interesting to touch, but it felt weirder than what she was used to. Maybe this was was what Konan was trying to teach her. Well at least she still had the book to look through. Maybe she should have listened to Konan, but then again there was that book she had given the priestess.

* * *

That's all for now. The next time you see this story, it'll be rated differently as it'll feature sex scenes. Review please.


	5. Perverts Part 1

Hidan blushed as she took a better look at her vagina with the small mirror she had borrowed from Konan. It looked strange and seemed weird to her, but it was fun to touch though. Spreading her lower lips, she slowly spread her legs a bit more and slowly slid a finger inside her tight virgin body, biting her lip as she did so. It felt funny and strange, but after a while, she got used to it. Her hand slowly found the rhythm that worked for her. When she added a second finger she could feel her internal muscles contract as she inserted a second finger inside her tight body. She tugged none too gently on her left nipple while she thought of her crush, Kisame, in various positions, naked of course. The last (and first) time she saw him naked was last night. She blushed harder at the memory.

The night he took her home was the best thing ever. He touched her, although not in an imitate way and it was only to bathe her. Later into the night, Hidan had woken up and noticed that the man was in a deep sleep with his cloak off, revealing his nice upper body. Curious for what was underneath the covers, the young woman undressed him revealing how huge Kisame was. It was a stupid thing to do, but Hidan had no regrets. Before anything could happen, Kakuzu (who had been talking a shower) had turned off the water and Hidan quickly put back on Kisame's clothes before the miser came out.

Hidan had suddenly remembered what she had read in the book about using a vibrator. She pulled out one that she also "borrowed" from Konan. It was a small, pink dildo that the priestess deemed was suitable for her virgin body. Stroking her clit, she carefully placed the end against the entrance of the pink hole. With a gentle push, the tip slipped into her tight womanhood. At the first penetration, the young woman whimpered softly and waited a few seconds before pushing it further.

Pleasure spread through her body as it burrowed into her tightness and from where her clit was being fondled. She moaned softly as she writhed blissfully on the bed, both her eyes closed as she flipped the setting up to medium. The dildo caressed her sweet spots and her fingers quickly massaged her clit. Hidan whimpered softly, as she pushed her the dildo further into her pussy and didn't stop until the toy was at maximum penetration. After turning the speed of the vibrator up to the highest setting, Hidan started to slowly thrust the vibrator inside of herself while her left hand continued to provide pleasure to her clit. She continued to speed up her movements until she was on the verge of her climax.

Hidan cried out Kisame's name silently as she came softly on the bed, covering her sheets with her female cum. She reached down, cut off the vibrator, and removed it her vagina. Hidan blushed and began to breathe heavily from her first orgasm. Suddenly she heard the sound of a door and slowly turned around facing her partner.

"K-kakuzu!" She turned bright red and quickly covered her body with the pillow. "W-what the fuck are you doing here?"

"I…Uh…" Kakuzu turned bright red.

"How much did you fucking see?"

"Nothing." The miser rubbed the back of his head. "U-uh…I'm gonna go now…"

The man quickly left, embarrassed. He should have fucking knocked, but no! He just walked on in. Every time he saw her, she was nearly always naked or in some kind of position where it was sexual. Maybe it would be possible to switch partners or get a different room.

"Hey, Kakuzu." It was Kisame.

"Oh…uh…hey, Kisame. You looking for Hidan?"

"Yeah." Kisame noticed how uncomfortable the older man looked. "Uh…have you seen him…uh her."

"Yeah. Knock before you enter."

Kisame nodded and went to the shared room. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. A few seconds later, the young woman came to the door. "O-oh, Kisame-kun…oh h-hey."

The young woman was dressed in only a pink lacy bra and pink panties, with a faint blush on her face. Although he hadn't yet stepped in there yet, there was a scent hanging in the air. It smelled kind of like sex. Did Kakuzu and Hidan…?

"Hey, Jaws, are you alright?" She placed a hand on his cheek and suddenly realized what she had just done. She hadn't washed her hands and so her "love juices" were now on his face. 'Shit!'

"Uh…what's on your hands?"

"N-nothing!" She turned bright red. "Did you want something?"

"Yes! I mean, yes. I was wondering if you wanted to, you know, go out somewhere…I mean if you weren't busy."

"No, no! I'm not fucking busy. Just let me take a shower and we can go." Hidan blushed.

"Okay. Just come by my room when you're ready." The shark left, but touched his cheek wondering if the stuff on his cheek was what he thought it was.

####$$$####

"So where are we going?" The Jashinist asked as the two walked down the path away from the hideout.

"Nowhere in particular." Kisame watched as Hidan adjusted her sports bra. "So…you're finally wearing a bra."

"Yeah, but it's too fucking hot for a shirt." Hidan's eyes looked over at Kisame's bare chest.

"I suppose so. That's why I'm not wearing a shirt." The swordsman saw the priestess looking at him and smiled. The albino met his eyes, turned bright red, and looked away. "You have very beautiful eyes, Hidan."

The albino covered her face, embarrassed. Noticing this, Kisame suggested that they stopped at a dango stand. She agreed, happy to get out of the awkward moment. This was her first date, if you could call it that, and she was happy it was with the blue man. 'He's so cute!'

As they ate their dango, Hidan decided to engage in conversation. "Where's your sword?"

"My sword? Ah, Samedaha. It's in the room taking a nap." Kisame took a bite of his dango.

"You don't think we'll get attacked?"

"Nah. Of course not. Even if we were, I'm pretty strong."

"Your muscles are pretty big."

"Hm? Do you wanna have a feel?"

"S-sure." Hidan squeezed his arm. 'Damn he has a nice body and nice abs…shit. He's in better shape than I was when I was a man. I can just imagine those big strong arms wrapped around my body. I'm so much tinier than him. I bet it feels so safe in his arms.'

'She's so tiny compared to me.' Kisame observed as Hidan continued to squeeze his muscles and ran her fingers over his muscles. 'She's really cute too and seems so fragile…'

The swordsman placed a hand on her cheek and stroked it. 'Her skin is so soft and smooth like a baby's. She has those big purple eyes too…'

"K-kisame…" She blushed not sure what to say or do. 'Jashin-sama, help me…'

As the two leaned forward, seeming like they were going to kiss, Zetsu showed up. "'Sup, Jaws and Hida. **Getting a bit close there, aren't we**?"

"Oh hey Zetsu." Kisame turned from Hidan, who wished she had her scythe with her to beat the plant for ruining the moment.

"Beat it, heathen!"

"Nice to see you too…**_and I'm not talking about your lovely boobs_**." Zetsu stared at Hidan's chest. Noticing this, she quickly covered her chest.

"Did you want something, Zetsu?" Kisame interrupted Hidan

"Yep. You and your partner and Kakuzu and Hidan are going on a mission. Head on over to Pein's office. **_No time for a quickie_**."

"I really hate that mother fucker." Hidan folded her arms as soon as the plant disappeared into the ground. 'Stupid bastard…ruining my date with Kisame…I'll kill that motherfucker!'

"Come on, Hidan. We can finish our little date another time."

"Huh?" She blushed. "R-really. We're on a date?"

"Well if you wanna call it that." Kisame laughed.

"Sure. I don't fucking mind." Hidan nervously grabbed the man's hand. "Um…sorry about earlier."

"No problem. That wasn't what I thought it was…or was it?"

"Hell no…I mean if you thought me and dumbass were fucking, then you're crazy."

The shark was relieved to hear that. 'Thank you Kami-sama! Then that stuff was…what?'

Upon getting back to the base, Hidan and Kisame went back into Pein's office, although the priestess wanted to do something else. Their partners were already there by the time they arrived, so the best thing to do was to head inside.

"Good afternoon, you all." the leader looked over at Hidan. "I see you took my advice, Hidan. How does it fit you? Fine, I hope."

"Shut up, asshole and just give us the damn mission before I shove my bra up your ass."

"I wasn't talking about…or was that Konan…hm…" The leader scratched his chin. After a few minutes, he remembered that he said a group in his office. "Anyway…your mission is to check out a location in the mountain county. There have been some reports of strange activities there that may be linked to Orochimaru. Your mission is to check it out. Kill anybody that gets in your way and don't cause any attention to yourselves."

'So I get to spend some more time with Kisame. Yes!' Hidan could have sang for joy, but kept it to herself since singing was wasn't something she did well.

The group headed out the next day with Hidan complaining about the rain. Damn boss was lucky that he didn't have to go out in this weather, but they did. On top of that, she felt colder than she had before she turned into a woman. Maybe this was why he wanted her to wear a shirt so badly.

"Dammit, I hate the rain!" Hidan complained. "Why does he always send us out in the worst weather possible. Is that shithead on crack?!"

"Shut it, Hidan." Kakuzu sighed. "It's not that bad. It'll get worse in the mountains, so save your nagging for later, okay?"

"Shit." Hidan mumbled to herself.

"It's getting dark. We should stop in an hour or two." said Itachi ignoring the pair.

"Good idea, Itachi-san. There should be a hotel two miles from here. We could stop there." Kisame suggested.

"Good. I fucking hate the rain."

"So we've heard." The miser mumbled under his breath.

Sure enough up the road there was a small hotel for them to stay in. Hidan was relieved for there to be on. She had always hated being in the rain, even when she was a child. As long as the hotel wasn't out of rooms, this night was going off to a good start.

"The hotel clerk said there's only two rooms available. One with two beds and one in a honeymoon suite."

"Shit." Kakuzu looked at the priestess. "So…uh…so what are we gonna do here?"

Hidan suddenly had an idea and saw a chance of being with Kisame. "Me and…uh…Kisame could take the honeymoon suite. Right, Jaws?"

"What?"

"Sounds good to me. Let's go, Itachi." The miser quickly left the lounge, dragging the Uchiha behind him.

"Well…um…o-okay." Kisame turned to Hidan. "I guess we're going to the room…together."

"Yeah." The priestess fiddled with her cloak. "Come on."

She nervously grabbed his hand and guided him to the bedroom. Upon getting there, the two stared at the room. It was pretty large with a large heart shaped bed with little rose petals on the bed. Everything was red, including the walls that had little pink hearts on the carpeted walls and floor. There was a basket on the bed that had sex toys, dildos, condoms, lube, and other sexual items.

"Damn, there sure is some kinky shit in here. Huh? What's this?" The priestess held up a butt plug.

"That's a…um…never mind. Just put it down." Kisame took off his cloak and hung it on a chair. "Damn I'm soaking wet. Do you wanna take a shower first?"

"Yeah. I'm freezing." She shivered.

"Here, let me take off your cloak." Kisame began to slip off the woman's cloak, making her blush. "Geez, you're wetter than me."

"In more ways than you know…" mumbled the young woman under her breath, suddenly she realized that she was naked underneath. "W-wait!"

"Huh? What's wrong?"

"I-I'm not wearing anything underneath except for some panties and a bra. I didn't think it was going to rain, so I only put on what I got. I'll just put some clothes on later."

"Well you'll catch a cold if you don't take it off." Kisame blurted out. He hadn't meant to have said it like that, but he was concerned for her well-being.

"I-I know. Heh." the priestess quickly made her way to the bathroom leaving Kisame on the bed to watch tv, which turned out to be filled with nothing but porn.

'Crud! Is there porn on EVERY channel? I don't want Hidan thinking I'm sort of pervert…good thing she can't read minds.' he heard the sound of shower water in the bathroom. Well he guessed it wouldn't hurt to squeeze out before the priestess came out. The fact that he had been sporting an erection after finding out Hidan was only wearing a pair of panties and a bra and it was getting painful.

The shark unzipped his pants and pulled out his 12 inch cock that was already leaking precum. He squeezed the skin on cock lightly then traced his fingers to the base of his shaft and wrapped his hand around his fully erect cock. He closed his eyes and let out a moan of pleasure as his cock slid out more precum. He stroked his way towards a sensitive spot and growled deep in his throat as he first touched the end, gently stroking and rubbing his rough fingers over the tip. He closed his eyes and thought about Hidan…her big, beautiful purple eyes, her giant, soft breasts, her tiny little cute hands, the way she moaned when he touched her, the way she looked at him, and the cute little looks she gave him sometimes…

Kisame moaned softly as he began to move his hand faster gaining close to his climax. He moaned lightly as he felt the pressure build up inside of him. His hips rammed into his fist quicker as the last few pumping actions were putting him over the edge. He moaned loudly as he came in his hand, his fists milking him into the last drop of cum. After his breath came back, the blue man grabbed some tissues and quickly cleaned up before putting back his cock back into his pants. He felt perverted for masturbating to her, but at least that problem was taken care of.

"K-kisame!" Hidan screamed from the bathroom. "Come here! Now! Hurry the fuck up!"

"What?" Kisame quickly ran into the bathroom.

"I fucking fell and I think I broke my Jashin damned ankle."

"Hold on. I'm coming." The shark came inside the bathroom finding the albino on the shower, trying to cover up her large chest and had a hand in-between her legs. "Are you okay?"

"Hell no! My ankle's all bent." Hidan whimpered as he touched it.

"Hold on." The swordsman grabbed a towel, placed it on the woman, and helped her on the bed.

"SHIT!" The young priestess whimpered as Kisame sat her broken foot on one of the pillows. "Can you move it back into place? Kakuzu's old ass usually does it for me."

"I don't wanna hurt you, Hidan."

"Please do it?" She held her foot while looking up at the shark with big puppy eyes.

"F-fine." taking a deep breath he carefully took her foot and quickly snapped it back into place. The priestess cursed and gripped his arm. "Are you alright, Hidan-san?"

"N-no…it fucking hurt. Give me something to drink. SHIT!" Hidan rubbed her foot.

The swordsman poured her some wine into a cup and then started massaging her feet. This made the priestess turn bright red. Kisame's hands were so soft and it seemed as if he could have been excellent masseuse or something. She giggled as the shark ran his fingers over a ticklish spot on her foot.

"Oh, you like that, don't you, Hidan-san?" The shark smirked and began to tickle the Jashinist's foot. "How about this?"

"Hahaha! S-stop, Kisame! S-stop! Please! I-it tickles!" the young woman tried to stop laughing.

"Come on, Hidan, you know you like it! I wonder if you're ticklish somewhere else…" Kisame moved up and down the albino's leg.

"Stop it! Hahaha!"

**MEANWHILE**

"Do you hear that?" Kakuzu looked up as Itachi was painting his nails.

"Yes. I think Kisame-kun's tickling Hidan."

"Tickling?"

"Yeah. He's a tickler." Itachi sighed. "I wonder if they're having sex."

"I-Itachi-san!"

"What? I've seen the way they look at each other." Itachi blew on the older man's nails. "Besides, it's not a secret they like each other, like us."

"What?" The miser raised a brow.

"Yes. Have you not noticed?" Itachi sat on the bed with Kakuzu.

"About Jaws and the religious asshole, yes. About me and you and everyone knowing, hell no."

"Oh. I just assumed…" The Uchiha blushed. "I don't mind anyone knowing, though."

"I guess I don't either." he kissed the younger man on the cheek. "I hope they make good use of that room."

"Yeah. It was kind of you to suggest that Kisa-kun and Hidan take that room. They're meant for each other. I can tell he really cares about her."

The miser smiled and kissed the man on the cheek. "You're so kind, Itachi-kun. That's what I love about you."

#######

''Come on, Kisame! It tickles! Hahahahaha!" giggled the young woman.

"Are you ticklish up here too?" Kisame moved up the woman's body and started tickling her ribs.

"Hahaha!" The Jashinist giggled, trying to playfully push him off her. "D-damn it, Kisame!"

"Do you want me to stop, Hida-chan?" The shark smirked.

"Y-yes! Hahaha!" Hidan blushed. "S-stop! M-my fucking towel's coming off!"

He continued to tickle the albino. She continued laughing harder and harder, feeling as if she was going to wet herself. Smirking, she jumped up and landed on top of him and began to tickling him too. "Ha! How do you like it?"

The swordsman laughed as she tickled him. Before he knew it, her towel began to slip, starting to reveal her breasts. Kisame stared for a bit before toucnhing one of her breasts, making her squeak and fall off the bed.

"Shit, are you okay?" Kisame looked over the bed.

"I-I'm okay!" Hidan rubbed her head.

He helped her back on the bed. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No." She rubbed the back of her head. "My head hurts though."

"Heh, sorry about that, Hidan-san." Kisame blushed.

"No. I-its okay." Hidan covered up her breasts with her arms, facing away from him. "T-they're just so sensitive. You just surprised me, that's all. I don't know why women even need these things. They're so fucking useless and ugly!"

"I wouldn't say that." Kisame cupped her breasts from behind. "I think they're lovely."

"K-kisame!" Her eyes widened. "What the hell are you doing?"

"They're so nice and huge." Kisame observed the young woman's face as she struggled to keep in a moan and he smirked. "Your skin is so soft and smooth. Is this this sensitive too, Hidan-chan?"

Hidan whimpered as Kisame squeezed her nipples. "I-I-I…shit! It feels so good!"

"You're so beautiful, Hidan-chan. You have such beautiful eyes and a gorgeous body. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life and."

"K-kisame…" Hidan bit her lip as he removed his hands from her breasts and placed his lips on her neck.

"If I'm making you uncomfortable, I'll stop." he whispered in her ear, making her more turned on than she was before.

"No! I mean, please keep going." Hidan was enjoying herself.

"Are you sure?" Kisame was a bit surprised. "I've never been with a woman before…or anyone exactly."

"Y-yes! I…I've never been with anyone before either. My religion doesn't exactly allow this." she turned around slightly. "…but I guess I can pray to Jashin-sama for forgiveness…'cuz…I guess I love you."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm 100% sure, Kisame! I fucking love you!" She hugged the shark. "I…I…I've always love you…you could never hurt me."

Closing her eyes, she pressed her lips against Kisame's lips. He was a bit shocked. Did she just say that she loved him? He wrapped his arms around the gray haired woman's waist and kissed him back gently. Kisame nipped lightly at the Jashinist's bottom lip and groped her ass, causing her to gasp. Using the gasp as his chance, he stuck his tongue into her warm, sweet tasting mouth. Hidan tasted sweet and spicy on the inside, somewhat fitting her nature. He broke their kiss to trail down her neck. She was so soft…so perfect. Hidan whimpered in pleasure.

"Ah, K-kisame-kun!" the albino cried out. "Please fuck me!"

Kisame carefully laid down the young woman on the bed and removed the rest of the towel from the woman's body. She seemed nervous about the whole situation as she placed a hand over her hand over her private area. The blue man couldn't help but to notice how cute she looked as she laid down blushing and looked so innocent.

'Her skin is so pale and smooth.' he thought as he ran his fingers lightly over her thighs. 'Not a single hair anywhere on her lovely body. She looks so innocent and adorable!'

"Aaahhh…Kisa-chaaaan…" Hidan moaned softly.

He caressed her sides as his hands made their way up her body, causing the young woman to shiver with pleasure, enjoying the sensation of having the man she had been lusting after for months, touch her. It felt like heaven. Kisame nuzzled her neck, every once and awhile placing gentle kisses on her neck before kissing her. The swordsman then bit the Jashinist's bottom lip asking for entrance to her mouth. Hidan whimpered and soon opened her mouth for the shark. Their tongues dueled for a while with Kisame gaining dominance while he pinched the young woman's nipple. After fondling her breasts for a minute, his hand traveled downwards while he began to suck on her sensitive nipples. Once one of his hands got to her lower lips, he removed his lover's hands replacing them with his own.

Before the Jashinist could say anything, he slowly slipped a finger into her virgin hole. He smiled at how wet it was down there. "You're wet already, aren't you Hidan-chan?"

"Jashin-sama!" She cried out as Kisame began to move his finger in and out of the young woman's womanhood. Hidan hugged him tightly as he added another finger inside of her. She was incredibly tight, even for a virgin. Then again, Kisame had never been with a woman before, so he didn't know what was too tight and what wasn't (although she felt pretty tight to him), but at the same time, he was pretty big himself so it was best to prepare her and pray that she could take his cock when it was time for it.

"How does it feel, Hidan? I'm not hurting you am I?" The swordsman asked as he added another finger.

"Jashin-sama, it feels so…aaah…good!"

Kisame suddenly pulled away his fingers, making Hidan look at him confused as he moved towards the foot of the bed. He spread her legs slowly, making her blush harder and touch the spot where his hands just were, trying to make the feeling come back. "K-kisame…what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to make you feel good, Hidan." Kisame slowly grabbed her hand, leaned down, and dove in to the dripping entrance of the girl beneath his. The Jashinist gasped and squeaked, instantly squeezing her soft thighs around the blue head. He lapped up the juices flowing from her entrance, pulling delicious moans from his angel. His tongue dived in the wet opening, making his nose brush against the woman's clit.

Hidan gasped loudly and arched off the bed slightly, moaning. "Kisame!"

The shark moaned softly and began to finger her again while sucking her clit at the same time, while Hidan gripped the back of his head and the sheets. "A-aaaaahhh! Yes! Yes! Fuck! K-keeping going!"

The albino cried out Kisame's name and came softly into her lover's mouth. The shark licked up her love juices and kissed her lips gently, allowing her to taste herself. The swordsman pulled away and began to take off his clothes. The albino's eyes widened as Kisame took off his boxers.

"Holy shit!" She backed up, afraid. She had no clue it was _that _big when it was erected like that. He was bigger now than when she first saw him naked. "I-is...where the…that thing…going to be _inside_ of me?!"

When he nodded, she continued to stare at it as he got on the bed with her. "I-is it gonna hurt?"

"A little…I think. It'll get better as we keep going." Kisame kissed her cheek. "Are you uncomfortable about this? We can stop if you want I don't want to push you if you're not ready."

"O-okay…I'm ready." Hidan slowly opened her legs to allow the man entrance.

Kisame kissed the young woman gently as he pressed the head of his cock to her virgin womanhood. He then slowly slipped the head into her vagina, making Hidan wrap her arms around the shark. Moving as slowly as he could, he slid the rest of his cock into her hole, causing her to grip him tighter than ever and wince in pain. Speaking of tight, Hidan was extremely tighter than when he had first put his fingers into her. Was it because she was nervous or was it because she was a virgin? Either way, he refused to move even the slightest inch out of fear of hurting her.

"K-kisame…you're so fucking huge! Shit!" she whimpered as she moved her hips a little.

"Tell me when you're ready, Hidan-san. I'm not going to move until you're ready."

After a few minutes of getting used to his enormous length and girth, the albino told Kisame to move. The shark pulled back until only the tip was still inside her, then slid back down repeatedly, evenly picking up speed.

The Jashinist moaned loudly as he found her sweet spot. "Yes! Ahh…mmmm. Kisame! Yes! Fuck yes! Fuck me faster! Oh Jashin-sama, this feels so fucking good!"

He picked up speed, biting her neck so everyone knew she belonged to him. Hidan felt her orgasm coming, but refused to let go. She wanted this feeling to never end and wished they could stay like this forever. Kisame felt the same way, but knew he wasn't going to be able to keep his orgasm from coming anytime soon. Sensing she was close to finishing, he started to rub her clit, watching and loving the expression on her sweet little face. Hidan lost it when her lover thrust once more, causing her to come with a cry of his name. Feeling her grip him so tightly, the shark quickly pulled out and came on her stomach instead of inside of her. Tired, he laid down beside the sleeping girl.

When Hidan opened her eyes, she was inside of the hotel bathtub with Kisame running a bath cloth over her body while she was in his lap. She wiped her eyes and yawned. "K-kisame? What happened?"

"You're awake now." He kissed her nose. "You fell asleep, so I decided to clean us up."

"Oh…" The albino yawned again and looked down. "I'm bleeding."

"Yeah. I think I tore something. Sorry about that."

"Don't blame yourself. I told you to go ahead and fuck me. I'll be fine. I'll just heal myself anyway." She moved a little only to feel some pain. "Shit. My foot still hurts and my…uh…thing does too."

"Your what?"

"My…" The gray haired woman touched her vagina. "This."

"Oh that." He laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"You don't know what to even call your own vagina? I thought Konan was going to teach you about this womanly type stuff."

"She did, but I didn't fucking listen." Hidan laughed. "Shit…I really wish you would've told me just how big you were."

"If I knew this was going to happen, I probably would have." Kisame kissed the top of her head.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes. Sure."

"I'm not going to have a baby, am I?" she asked.

"No. I pulled out." Kisame admitted.

"You know…I wouldn't mind being pregnant." The albino placed a hand on her empty stomach.

"Maybe one day, but let's concentrate on our mission for right now." the shark placed a hand on her hand. "Uh…Hidan. Your voice."

"My voice?" She touched her throat. "MY VOICE!"

"Yeah. It's…like a girl's now."

"My voice! My manly voice! WHAT THE FUCK?!" The albino grabbed his throat. "SHIT! SHIT! I…I LOVE MY VOICE! DAMN IT!"

"Hidan! Hidan! Calm down!" The shark grabbed her hands. "I like it, so stop. Anyways, it's not permanent."

"Y-you like it?" she breathed in relief. 'At least he likes me for who I am.'

########

"Damn, cramps." Kakuzu sighed in frustration as his partner complained once more, but this time about cramps.

"Will you just shut the hell up?!" He yelled. "You complain too damn much, you damn overly religious bitch!"

"Fuck you, fuckwad!" Hidan held her stomach. "Shit! Damn…cramps…I forgot to sacrifice someone, didn't I?"

"That's because you were too busy fucking Jaws here." The miser smirked gesturing at the swordsman.

"W-what?" The priestess turned bright red.

"Yes. The whole hotel heard you two going at it." Everybody looked at Itachi.

"Everyone heard us?" Kisame looked shocked. "I…uh…I don't know what to say…"

"I'm glad they heard. Fuck. This is my man." Hidan kissed him on the cheek.

"I see your voice has changed." said Itachi pointing out the obvious.

"Thanks for the reminder, asshole." The albino turned bright red, running fingers through her messy hair.

"So…how far is this place?" The shark quickly said. The albino was a bit upset with her new voice and with her cramps. It was not a good combo.

"It's about 5 miles further up the road. We should be there by noon." The older man said looking at the map. "It'll be getting colder, further up."

"Great." said the young albino. "Shit! Why am I cramping up like this?!"

"Are you bleeding?"

"No." The woman made a face. "I haven't even…"

Kakuzu threw a book at his partner. She glared at the old, annoyed man. "Why you old ass bas…"

"You might wanna read that before you throw it, Hidan." The miser said just as she began to throw the book.

She rolled her eyes and started reading the book. While she read the book, the group continued up the road.


	6. Oh Bloody Hell

Hahahaha. I made the dumbest mistake that probably could have gotten my story taken down or something. I forgot to change the story's rating from T to M. Good thing I changed it. On with the story. BTW if blood bothers you, don't read this chapter.

* * *

About time they had arrived near the mountain county, Kakuzu explained that Pein wanted them to split up, as to keep up the whole "no drawing attention to yourselves" thing going. Kisame was happy to leave with Hidan, although he didn't show any indication of it. Hidan, on the other hand, was too busy searching for what the fuck was wrong with her to even pay a tiny bit of attention. Once they settled on a meeting place, a date, and a time, they parted ways.

"You found what you're looking for, Hidan?" asked the shark.

"I think so...I'm either pregnant or on my period." The Jashinist made a face. "I'm obviously not pregnant, so I guess I'm on my period or something. It's fucking gross! Look! Your fucking privates ooze out blood and its all slimy and thick and gunky! Gross!"

Kisame made a face too. Why in the hell did whoever write this book have to include pictures? It was making him a little sick too. Hidan finally closed it, too disgusted to even say anything. Blood was something she was used to, but when it came from there…it looked so gross. She suddenly realized something.

"Kisame, I'm going to need some tampons…whatever those things are." the priestess opened up the book. When she arrived at the picture, she pointed at it. "Which ones should I get?"

"Well…uh…" He was a bit uncomfortable with this discussion. He was a man! He didn't know anything about that stuff! Hell, he barely knew anything about sex. Anyway, that was a woman's job to talk about such things and Konan was nowhere in sight. "Let's stop somewhere and ask somebody that knows about these things."

The two went into a nearby town, somewhat drawing attention to themselves. It wasn't their cloaks that made them stand out, as they had hid their cloaks and Kisame's sword and Hidan's scythe in a safe place until they could retrieve them at night. It was them being together that made everyone stare. A couple of people were already muttering amongst themselves, asking how come an attractive woman such as Hidan was with him. The priestess wanted to kick their asses for asking such a question. The swordsman was a damn better person (and lover) than any of them would have ever dreamed to be. He was kind, caring, and pretty damn sexy in her eyes. Damn them all. If it weren't for the mission, she would have killed more than half of the idiots.

"Hey, Kisame. Can we stop for some of those tampon thingies?" The Jashinist asked. "My panties are starting to get wet and not in a good way either!"

He nodded and they quickly went into a nearby store. After a bit, the priestess and an elderly woman were talking about tampons and how awful it was being a woman sometimes. Kisame wished that he didn't have to hear them talking about stuff like that, but he was stuck there. After for what seemed like an hour, the old woman asked to continue their talk for later on tomorrow at noon at a restaurant for lunch as she had to attend her grandson's graduation ceremony. Hidan agreed and admitted that their "little talk" did her some good.

Once their things were settled in their hotel room, the two decided to do a bit of spying on a couple of shinobi from the area. Maybe they could get some information from the ninjas and maybe find out some information about Orochimaru. After all, these ninjas were from the region so they had to know something, even if it wasn't all that useful. Even them saying that they heard that the man was in the area would be good too.

"Kisame-kun, where'd the old bastard and weasel boy go?" Hidan asked as the two were watching (from a tree) the three shinobi ninjas they were spying on.

"To a different village. We split up, remember?"

"I wasn't paying any attention." the priestess yawned. "So…what are they saying?"

"Nothing of interest." Kisame responded, sighing. The ninjas were just talking about some criminal that had been caught not too long ago that had nothing to do with Orochimaru. Maybe Kakuzu and his partner would find some info where they were.

"Kisame…"

"Hm?"

"Can we still have sex while I'm on my period?"

"W-what?" Her boyfriend was so caught off guard by this question that he almost fell off the tree branch he was sitting on.

"I mean, would you still want to have sex with me if I was on my period?"

"Uh…um…I don't know." he wasn't sure what to say. Luckily, their conversation was cut short when one of the ninjas spoke up.

"So did you hear anything about that snake guy?" one of them said.

"Yeah. You think its true?" said the second ninja. "I mean, there's plenty of places to hide out here, so I think he might be."

"Then again he could have changed location. Who'd be stupid enough to stay someplace when there are rumors floating around that you may or may not be here?" added the third ninja.

"I don't know. If he's pretty confident that nobody's going to find him, then he might still be here somewhere hiding. He's one tough bastard to catch, from what I've heard."

'So they've heard it too…' thought the shark. 'Hm…interesting.'

The third ninja shook his head. "Even if he was successfully caught, he'd get out. He's still associated with the akatsuki, isn't he? I can't remember."

"Not anymore. He quit. I hear they want him as badly as everyone else does. I'll tell you what though…if that guy is here, nobody's gonna find him and that's the truth. He could be right under our noses and we wouldn't know it."

"Even if we did see him, we couldn't successfully catch him." added the second ninja.

"Nor would we be able to really see his hideout or even get in if we saw it. It's probably got booby traps everywhere around it anyway."

Kisame rubbed his chin, carefully taking this information in. So Orochimaru was probably hidden here. It made sence that the man would choose the mountains for his hideout. Searching the mountains just for him would take a lot of time and effort on the shinobis of this region's part and it would probably take months, unless they had a clue as to where to find him. Even then it may be too risky due to avalanches and getting stuck in a blizzard just for one man.

The conversation then shifted onto something about the akatsuki. Kisame and Hidan stayed for that bit, hoping that the ninjas didn't suspect they were in the area. However, it was only talk about what theories they had for what the organization's plans were for the tailed beasts they were trying to capture and the ones they had already. This proved useless, so the two missing-nin left before they were seen.

Hidan poked Kisame on their way back to the hotel. "Hey, Kisame!"

"Yeah?"

"You don't think that snake guy is here, do you?" Hidan asked, although her lover could sense this was not what she truly wanted to ask.

"Probably. That guy could be anywhere by now." the swordsman admitted. "I didn't really know him that well when he was in the akatsuki, so I don't know how he thinks or acts that well. Sasori would though, but he was on a mission with Deidara, so he couldn't come."

"Hm…"

"You still cramming up?"

"A little. That old lady gave me something for it earlier. Do you think I'll ever turn bad into a man?" The priestess asked, curious. She really wanted her boyfriend to still love her even afterwards.

"Probably one day, but I don't know when though." Hidan looked slightly bothered by his answer.

"Why the fuck couldn't it have been fucking blonde?" Hidan sighed. "I'm fucking hungry. Let's go eat lunch."

"Sure." the shark felt a little bad for the ninja. Having to deal with a new body had to be hard for him…her. Feeling bad, he kissed her cheek. "Don't worry, Hidan. I'll still love you regardless of what you are."

The priestess's eyes widened. "W-what?"

She looked surprised. Did he just admit he loved her? She felt a little happy at this confession. She had never been told that someone loved her except by her parents. Smiling, she blushed. Kisame looked confused. "What?"

"You…you said that…you loved me…" She was blushing even harder.

"Y-yeah. I guess I do…" He laughed. "Yes, I do love you. Is that okay with you?"

"I…yeah! I love you too!" She blushed even more. "Come on. I'm fucking starving."

He nodded and held her hand, making her happy that he actually cared for her. Although she wasn't one of those people who hated affection, she would never admit that she liked it. She wasn't the type to be affectionate towards anyone either as it made her uncomfortable. With Kisame, it kinda felt right. Although he didn't look it, the shark was kind, gentle, and thoughtful for someone who had the reputation of a killer. One might think that he was a rough lover or abusive, but that was untrue. Kisame was always looking after her and being nice to her, even before now…

**FLASH BACK**

**"Oh fuck you, Kakuzu!" Hidan slurred. He had just been out drinking with Deidara and had ended up drinking more than he should. He ended slaughtering more than enough people that night. It was a mixture of whores and drunks. It was an excellent night…other than the fact that Kakuzu was bitching about how he was getting blood everywhere. Personally, the priest didn't give a shit. **

**"You're always doing this shit, Hidan!" The miser sighed, irritated. It was his room too. Why couldn't he respect that and be a little more respectful…or at least stay off his bed while covered in blood.**

**"I don't need this!" The priest gave the man the finger. "I'd rather go sleep on the couch."**

**Getting off the older man's now dirty bed, he drunkly made his way to the living room, stumbling along the way. He ended bumping into the wall and walking into some of the other members' room and getting in their beds and was thrown out every time. Eventually he made his way to the sofa and drifted off to sleep.**

**When morning came, he woke up in an actual bed instead of the slightly uncomfortable to sleep on couch. He suspected Kakuzu of putting him in his head, but quickly laughed it off. There was no way the older man would have done so and anyway, it wasn't their room as when he looked up, he saw none other than Itachi Uchiha cleaning his weapons.**

**"How the fuck did I get in here?" asked Hidan after throwing a pillow at the Uchiha.**

**Itachi stared at him for about three seconds, trying not to look annoyed as hell. "Kisame was kind enough to bring you in here."**

**_TRANSLATION: Kisame felt bad for you, so he took it upon himself to bring your rude ass in here. Don't make it be for nothing. He could have left you in there._**

**"Really?" The priest rubbed his chin. "Why the fuck would he do that for?"**

**"I have no clue, but he is a kind man."**

**_TRANSLATION: Kisame is nice enough to put up with your shit, but not me._**

**"Good morning, Hidan. 'Morning Itachi." Kisame greeted the two men. Itachi looked relieved and quickly left. **

**"Hey, Jaws."" the albino yawned. "Oh yeah. Thanks for the bed."**

**"You're welcome. I couldn't let you sleep on the couch. That thing's not the best thing to sleep on." he laughed.**

**"Fuck yeah it's not…sorry about the fucking bed too."**

**"It's okay. It'll come out. Besides, you aren't covered with that much blood either." The shark said as Hidan got up.**

**"That's because most of it fucking rubbed off on everyone's fucking bed and the fucking couch."**

**"Speaking of which, I don't think Kakuzu's going to be too happy about that."**

**"He's already shitting himself about me dripping blood everywhere." he sighed. "I think I'm just gonna stay here a little longer. He's just going to shove his foot up my ass anyway."**

**End Flashback**

Kisame watched Hidan as she began eating her omelet rice with her hands. He felt like he needed to say something, but closed his mouth. It was better if he let her eat as she pleased, even if people were staring slightly.

"Um…hi!" it was the waitress. "Is everything fine?"

"Yes, everything is…"

"THIS STUFF TASTES GOOD!" The priestess said with her mouth full, but of course, no one could understand her. "MORE!"

"Um…you want soup?"

"She'll have another one, please." The woman rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath something that only Hidan heard.

"WHAT WAS THAT BITCH!? I'LL COME OVER THERE AND SLI…" Her boyfriend quickly interrupted her by slapping a hand over her food covered mouth.

"Deal with her later." he whispered wiping his hand.

"Fine…by the way, I'm attending a Jashinist meeting in a few minutes so I'll just meet you at the hotel later."

"Okay. Fine with me. I'll go investigate a bit more while you're gone and we'll meet back here tonight."

Hidan yawned as she made her way to the holy temple of Jashin that was located a bit far from the town her and Kisame were staying at. There was going to be a special Jashinist festival today and it was being held here in the mountain county. After an hour of walking, she finally arrived at the temple. She recognized a few faces here and there, but didn't bother talking to them. It was almost time to pray, so no time for conversation. Besides, she looked different, so there was no way they would even recognize her anyway.

"Alright, fellow Jashinists! It's time for prayer." announced the head priest of the temple. Everyone quickly went inside, eager for prayer. The albino hoped that Jashin would forgive her for not sacrificing. A little prayer would do her some good, though.

Once everyone was inside, everyone got down on their knees, held their amulets, and prayed to their lord Jashin and occasionally bowed to the large statue of the death god. From what she could see, there was a large amount of Jashinists attending this festival. A couple of them were pregnant too, including a girl from her village she once knew. After prayer, the Jashinists chatted amongst themselves while preparations for the feast were being made while others were still in prayer.

"Hey, Hidan!" Hidan turned slightly at getting her name called. It was Hiro, a medic nin from Hidan's old village. The two knew each other during childhood because not only did they attend the same academy, but it was also because their parents were friends and they often had to hang out together.

"Oh hey, Hiro. Long time no see."

"Hidan? You look and sound…"

"…different. I know." Hidan then explained her situation to her childhood friend.

"Oh! I see. Well at least you can still serve Lord Jashin." Hiro laughed.

"Yeah, but this shit ain't easy." she sighed. "I can't exactly do all of the things I used to with my scythe. These milk jugs get in the fucking way. Everything is so fucking complicated that it's not even close to being funny! Don't even get me started on the bathroom!"

"Wow. That's gotta be hard." he shook his head. "I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be. It'll wear off." the priestess ran her fingers through her hair. "So…what the fuck have you been up to?"

"I got married!" the brunette looked pleased with himself. "We've got a kid on the way. She couldn't make it, though. The doctor said she's too far along to travel and it might cause the baby to come early. Jashin-sama has blessed us, yes he has! And with twins too!"

"Good for you."

"So when are you getting married?" asked Hiro.

"M-me?"

"Yeah! Why not! Nearly everyone here has already tied the knot. Why not you?"

"'cuz, I…" she stopped. She had never really thought about getting married before. She was 21 after all and that was normally the age people got married at.

"Don't you have someone?" her friend looked concerned. "I mean you're not ugly, Hidan. Surely you could find someone to spend the rest of your life with and be happy. Maybe you could even have a kid or two."

"Well, I do have Kisame…" she blushed at the mention of her boyfriend.

"Kisame…where have I heard that name before?" Hiro tapped his chin. "You don't mean Hoshigaki Kisame, do you?"

When she nodded, he looked surprised and then happy. "Well that's good! That guy's part of the akatsuki, isn't he? More sacrifices for Jashin-sama, huh, Hidan?"

"Yeah, but he's not a part of our religion…yet."

"So are you planning to convert him?" Hiro asked as Hidan looked embarrassed.

"I'm going to try. He couldn't come today though. We're on a mission right now, but I had to come today, so he took over."

"What's your mission…if you don't mind sharing."

"We're after some mother fucker named Orochimaru. There's been some shit going around that he's hiding somewhere in the mountains. You haven't heard about it, have you?"

The medic nin scratched his chin. "Orochimaru…no. I haven't heard anything about him. If I did I'd tell you."

"Fucking forget it. It's not like we're going to fucking catch the idiot anyway." Hidan ran a finger through her hair. "Do you honestly think that me and Kisame should get married?"

"Why not? If he cares for you, then yes. While you're in that body of your's, you want to think about having children. I know it's too early for thinking about it, but that body can't last forever."

"I see your point. I guess I should." Hidan tapped her chin. "I think that might be a problem though."

"Hm?" Hiro raised a brow. "Are you having fertility troubles or something? I know where a good one is. My cousin went there once when his wife was having trouble getting pregnant."

"N-no…" she looked even more embarrassed than before. "I'm kind of on my…um…period."

"Oh! Well then it's a good thing it only lasts a week or so and happens once a month then."

"Really? You and your wife ever had sex while she was bleeding down there?"

"Heck yeah!" the brunette had a creepy look on his face. "I love just ramming my dick into that tight pussy of her's and it slids in so easily with all that delicious blood. Sometimes we even 69, just to get a taste of each other. Her period is the fucking best. You and Kisame should try it. As a matter of fact, this one time I…"

Hidan sat there listening to her friend tell a long tale about an experience he had with his wife and the first time they experimented with her gooey blood juices, which made the priestess never want to see blood again. Before he could get the "good part", the head priest announced that the feast was ready.

"…and that's why my wife always saves her period for me whenever I'm gone." the older man finished.

'You just had to fucking finish your story during that whole time I was eating!' Hidan thought, relieved when his story was done. Looking at the time, she realized that it was time she headed back to town. Thank Jashin-sama! "Looks like its fucking time for me to leave. Nice to see you again…"

"You too, Hidan. Remember what I said."

"Don't worry I won't!" she laughed, but shuddered on the inside.

After a couple of days in the mountain county, the only information that the duo had on Orochimaru was that he was rumored to be in the area, but it was only a rumor where they were. The two ninjas scanned the area where they were, but found nothing of interest. Maybe Kakuzu and Itachi would have a better time than he and Hidan. Once they arrived at the crossroads, the saw their partners coming.

"Did you find out anything?" asked Itachi.

"Not really. Nothing but rumors really." sighed Kisame.

"Same here." said the Uchiha. "A couple of people have reported strange things in this part of the region, but it's nothing but rogue ninjas. We should report back to Leader-sama with what we have."

"Agreed." Kakuzu looked over at Hidan who was looking at him in disgust. "What?"

"You're covered in blood."

"So? That's never bothered you before."

"Hidan's had a rough time. I'll explain later." said the swordsman placing a hand on her shoulder. "Come on, Hidan. Just don't look."

The miser looked over at Itachi who just shrugged.

%%%^^^****

"So there's no evidence that Orochimaru was actually in the mountains…" the orange haired man sighed and cursed under his breath. "Maybe he was just seen there or something…Orochimaru is one tricky bastard to catch. No matter. You're dismissed. Hidan, why are you staring at me so hard?"

"You got something on your lip." Hidan looked like she was going to throw up.

"Oh?" He wiped his mouth and looked at his hand. "That's just ketchup. What did you think it was?"

"Nothing." Hidan quickly left the room. That stupid story was still stuck in her head and she wished she had next asked about Hiro's sex life. All she wanted to do now was just to lay down and think about something else. Maybe praying to Jashin would help calm her mind.

Upon arriving to her room, she wished she had not stepped in there. Her bed and wall was covered in vasts amount of blood making her throw up all over the floor. Damn it! Now Kakuzu was going to kill her when he came upstairs. She wiped her mouth and quickly left the room.

"Where are you heading, Hidan?" It was Tobi. "I've got something to tell you!"

"WHAT?!"

"What kind of bees produce milk?"

Hidan sighed. "What, shithead?"

"Boobies!" he laughed.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT! I SHIT YOU NOT IF YOU EVER TELL ANOTHER BOOB JOKE AGAIN, I'LL KILL YOU!" Hidan started strangling the masked man.

"But that's the only one I've said!" he said trying to get Hidan off of him. 'Geez, she's strong! Damn you inner humor! Maybe I could use my sharingan to get free!'

"THERE YOU ARE!"

'Deidara! Thank Kami-sama…for the first time!' Tobi could have laughed with joy…if it weren't for the fact that the priestess was squeezing his hands around his neck even tighter now.

"YOU LITTLE SUCKER BITCH ASSHOLE BASTARD GREEN LICKING CLAY MOUNTAIN FUCKER!" Deidara was so mad that he was mixing childish language with adult language. "Hidan, step aside. I've got this!"

Hidan happily stepped aside and made her way to Kisame's room while Deidara dragged Tobi away.

"Oh, hey Hidan, what's…that smell?" the shark made a face.

"I threw up." She held her stomach.

"Oh! Come lay down on my bed and rest for a bit. Itachi-san won't be back for a while, so it'll just be the two of us."

The albino woman flopped down onto the bed and curled up into a ball in his lap.

**_MEANWHILE_**

"Teehee...you're so cute, Kuzu-kun." Itachi giggled in a female voice as he finished dressing up his older lover in a maid outfit. You see the Uchiha had some strange fetishes that you wouldn't expect of someone with his stature. He had various fetishes that made one say, "WTF?! IS THIS THE FAMOUS COLD UCHIHA I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT?! IT CAN'T BE!"

The Uchiha had a crossdressing fetish, meaning he loved dressing up his lovers (and sometimes even himself) up in various female outfits. Kakuzu, on the other hand had no such fetishes, but only tolerated it because the Uchiha gave excellent lap dances. The two ninjas were in one of the rooms in the basement messing around, but soon heard voices belonging to an angry bomber and Tobi. The miser quickly put on his cloak and grabbed the Uchiha, who was disappointed that he wouldn't get to try out his new "toys" and chains.

"Where are we going?" asked Itachi.

"We're going to my room. Hidan probably saw the blood and left. We can just get Kisame to take him somewhere if he's in there."

"So I do get to use my whip!"

"You sounded far too happy when you said that." Kakuzu laughed nervously. 'Sometimes he gets too whip happy when he has that thing.'

As soon as they stepped into the room, both of them tripped in Hidan's barf. The miser felt like he was going to pop a vain. "That son of a bitch…"

Itachi didn't say a word, but was thinking, 'This is NOT my kind of fetish!'

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**ADVERTISEMENT TIME!**

I'm working on a fetish story starring the weirdest fetishes of them all. A request from a friend.


	7. Perverts II: Return of the Pervs

I'm glad you guys enjoyed this story so far. The fetish story's first chapter will be up some time this week. ENJOY!

WARNING: Contains blood...oh and sex too.

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Hidan whimpered as Kisame slid the bullet shaped tampon into her now virgin again vagina. It hurt like hell as her boyfriend's finger slid the device deep into her womanhood. She hugged her pillow tightly, trying not to be afraid. Why (of all places) did her poor body have to heal automatically especially her private area? Kisame wasn't so eager about putting it in, but his girlfriend had talked him into doing it. After completely putting it in, he pulled back on her panties and quickly went into the bathroom to wash the blood off. Only a few more days and she would be blood free.

"Kisame, could you go get me something to eat?" Hidan said in a sweet innocent voice. "Pretty please?"

"No problem." he kissed her forehead and left the room. Hidan smirked. She loved the fact that he did stuff for her when she used her sweet girly voice without any hesitation. For example, she had used her new voice to get Kisame to put her tampon in, even though it grossed him out, and earlier she gotten him to give her a massage.

Yawning, the priestess closed her eyes, deciding to rest her eyes for until he came back. After a bit, she heard the door open, someone walk in, and something being put down beside the bed. It must be Kisame…but what was he doing back so fast, she thought to herself.

"Keep your eyes closed, Hidan-san." the shark whispered in her ear. "I have a surprise for you."

"What?" the albino felt a little turned on the way he talked to her.

"Hold on. Sit up for a second." Sitting up, she felt him place something around her eyes. "I have something special for you, Hidan-chan…"

She was then laid back and her hands tied to the headboard. She was a little excited for what the man had planned for her…as long as she got to eat too. Feeling proud of his work, he spread her legs, settling his body between her legs and began to rub her thighs, making her slightly nervous for some reason. Sure it wasn't the first time Kisame had been down there, but she wasn't sure if she felt comfortable with him down there with her on her period after thinking back to the fact that sharks loved blood.

"K-kisame, are you sure you wanna…AH!" She whimpered as he began to remove her tampon.

"Sorry." he pressed a hand on her cheek. "I'll be careful."

Being as careful as he could, he slowly began to slide it out, but stopped. "Hm…we might need a towel so we won't get blood on the bed."

Kisame then left, got a towel, placed it underneath her, started to play with her boobs, teasing her nipples with his fingers, knowing it would arouse her. Smiling, he slid his hand down between her legs, running his finger along her slit, through her panties. The shark began kissing her neck and rubbing his semi-erect dick against her leg, letting her know he was ready to make love to her, despite the fact that she was on her period. "Do you want more?"

"I-I don't know, Kisame! I'm stilling bleeding and you really don't need to fuck me down there if you don't want to! I can give you a blowjob." although the priestess had never given him oral, she was willing to try in order to avoid smelling her blood. "…and I really don't feel like fucking right now!"

Rather than replying, he continued to play with her clit through her panties and moving her tampon, pressing it deeper and moving it inside her virgin insides. Hidan whimpered in need and want for the shark. She wanted him to make her feel good, but her new disgust of blood kept her from begging him to fuck her hard. The priestess begged him to stop, but he kept going.

Despite what Hidan didn't want, he slid off her pink panties and removed the tampon rather quickly. The smell was lovely and he was eager for a taste, but quickly thought about the priestess. He decided not to push his luck any farther and just make love to her on the spot. He laid between her legs, kissing her lips and licking and sucking her nipples. At the same time, he teased her slit, rubbing it with the head of his cock.

Something felt wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Deciding to ignore it for a while, she shifted uncomfortably beneath him. "Kisame, please…I don't really think we should do this…I-I'm still…"

Before she could say anything more, the door was opened by the **_REAL_** Kisame. Hidan looked surprised while the decoy Kisame looked scared as hell and took off running.

"K-kisame? Is that you?"

"Hidan!" he put down the soup he had made for the young woman and quickly untied her. "Who the hell was that?"

"I-I don't know!" she felt like going after the asshole who dared to try and pull something like that on her, however she wasn't in the position of doing so. She quickly slid back on her panties and pulled down her shirt before going into the bathroom. The shark sighed. Next time he wasn't going to leave the woman alone unless the door was locked or Itachi was in the room.

'Damn it. Just thinking about how that manic could have raped me makes me feel so dirty!' She blushed. 'If Kisame-kun hadn't stepped in…I'm sure as hell lucky to have him as a boyfriend.'

###Meanwhile###

"Time for our next lesson, which is...how to care for a child." said Konan.

"Oh shit…this is so boring." the albino yawned.

"Pay attention!" Konan said snapping her fingers. "This is important and you can't sleep through this one. I have, like, 5 videos about parenthood here, so watch."

"Fiiiine! Jashin-sama, just make this quick, bitch. I got stuff to do." Hidan was eager to go tell Kisame that she was no longer on her period…which meant...heheh.

##video 3##

_"…if your child falls, its best to comfort the child." concluded the narrator._

_A scene was shown where a small child had fallen and was crying._

"Oh my Jashin-sama! What a fucking baby!" Hidan rolled her eyes.

"Sh!" the purple haired woman sighed. She had never seen someone so unaffected by a injured child before as Hidan. The priestess had made comments like this during the previous videos, saying horrible things like the children needed to be put down or murdered so nobody would have to deal with their whining.

_A woman, probably the child's mother, came over, picked him up, and began to pat his back. "Poor baby! Did you hurt yourself? (the child nodded) Where does it hurt?"_

_"H-here!" the child pointed at his knee._

"What? That's what's all the whining's all about? What a wimp!"

_"Oh…you poor dear! You've got a boo-boo!" She kissed the "boo-boo", making the albino roll her eyes. "There there…mommy will make it all better!"_

_She took out a medical kit and began to clean his wound before putting on a bandage. "There all better."_

_"It still hurts mama!"_

"Then don't be fucking clumsy!" the priestess snapped, irritated.

"Shut up Hidan!"

_"How about some ice cream then?"_

_"Yeah!" the mother picked up her child and walked away with him._

"What kind of bullshit was that?" Hidan sighed.

Video 5

_"…and then take these two sides and fasten them tight, but not too tight. Remember to check your child's pamper often so that the baby will not catch a rash."_

"Geez this is hard!" the priestess had been given a baby (fake [of course] courtesy of a mothering course teaching class) to change, but had failed horribly at changing the thing.

"It's not that hard." Konan held up her baby. "See. Not that hard!"

"FUCKING THING!" Hidan started slamming the baby on the table. "The stupid piece of shit spit up on me!"

"You're heartless, Hidan." Konan sighed, shaking her head as she took away the baby. "I'd hate to see how your kids will turn out. Didn't your mother do those things for you?"

"I don't fucking remember." Hidan said standing up. "These fucking things are pieces of shit anyway! Stupid fake ass baby…"

"Come on, Hidan. The only reason it threw up on you was that you didn't bother to burp it." the purple haired woman sighed. "I think we should take a break for now. You can go now."

The priestess sighed with relief as she left Konan's room. Thank goodness. That was boring as fuck.

* * *

"Oh, Jashin-sama that feels so fucking good!" the young woman whimpered loudly as her boyfriend fingered her as she sat in his lap as she played with her breasts and nipples.

'Kami-sama, she's so tight. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that every time we do this, she's going to be a virgin all over again.' Kisame thought as she began to rub his cock with one of her hands. "Would you like to ride me, Hidan?"

"Hell yes!" Hidan blushed as she turned around in his lap and placed his cock at her entrance. Being as careful as possible, she slowly lowed herself onto his incredibly huge length. Once he was fully inside of her, she began to slowly lift herself and then slowly lower herself until she decided to pick up speed while her arms were around the shark's neck. Kisame grabbed her hips and started to thrust into her slowly. The priestess moaned and moved up and down in her boyfriend's lap whimpering and digging her nails into the shark's back. Her chest was pressed firmly against the shark's chest as the man began a faster pace.

The shark moaned into the young woman's ear thrusting even faster inside of her tight once again virgin body at the sounds his lover made. So this was the perk of the albino losing her virginity every time after they had sex. It felt so hot and tight inside as Hidan cried to him even more in pleasure as Kisame bit and sucked on her neck. This was like heaven. She felt so close to losing it that she could feel her orgasm coming as she began to bounce up and down quickly.

"S-shit! I'm so fucking close!" She blushed harder as she tightened her grip around her lover's neck.

Kisame nodded, feeling the same way. The shark felt Hidan clench around him as she came with a cry of his name and soon he came afterwards, filling her with his hot seed. This kind of turned the young woman on as she was filled up with his hot seed.

* * *

"Damn, Kisame. You came a shit ton inside of me." the albino chuckled softly as her lover's cum flowed out her pussy. "Geez…I think that's all of it for now…"

Just as she said this, more came out. 'Jashin-sama! How much did he cum?! Did he cum that much our first time?! Oh shit!'

More started leaking out of her womanhood, making her stay in the shower slightly longer than she planned to in the first place. Shit! Kisame really filled her up, didn't he?

While she was making sure that she was getting all of the semen out of herself, her boyfriend snuck in behind her. "Something the matter?"

"Ah! K-kisame! You fucking scared me!" the woman blushed.

"Sorry!" he chuckled as he kissed her neck. "Are you okay? You're been in here an awfully long time."

"That's because I've been trying to clean out your fucking cum from my pussy for the last few minutes. Shit! It's like you came five times!"

"My bad." he laughed. "Let me help you."

Using his fingertips, he slid two fingers inside of her while holding up her other leg. The albino whimpered as his semen started to pour out of her like a mini waterfall. "Hm…you are right. I did cum too much."

"Thanks Captain Obvious!" Hidan groaned as he made more of his cum flow out of her body. "I think it's gone now."

Sighing, she leaned against his back as the last few droplets flowed out of her vagina. Smiling, he kissed her cheek as she moved her hair out of her face. "You know Kisame…you're pretty sexy in the water."

"So are you, Hidan." he purred softly. "What did Konan want earlier?"

"Oh that. She was just showing me more bullshit as usual." she sighed. "You wanna go somewhere? She might try and show me more of those boring ass videos again."

"Sure, but don't you want to see more? You might need it one day. This jutsu might last awhile."

"Nah. I don't need 'em anyway." she sighed. "I hate that I have to keep learning shit from Konan. I can't wait until I turn back into a man. Things were simpler then…"

Hidan sighed as he began to wash her hair. 'I wonder if things will still be the same once I'm a man again. Shit I forgot about Jashin-sama. I need to sacrifice something'

Once they got out of the shower, Hidan dragged Kisame outside to help her get a sacrifice. The young woman was still thinking about the story her childhood friend had told her, but knew that couldn't stop her from giving Jashin what he needed. After a couple of minutes she found what she had been looking for. With her boyfriend's help, she managed to bring down a group of bandits. The site of blood and gore usually made her happy, but now she wanted to get it over as soon as possible.

"Jashin-sama forgive me!" she said as she closed her eyes and took a blind shot at one of her targets to avoid seeing the blood. However, she missed and got Kisame instead. "Oh shit! Kisame-san!"

"I'm alright. Try not to close your eyes next time." he said grabbing his side, trying to reassure his girlfriend that he was not that badly wounded at the same time.

Upset with herself for being so stupid, she quickly killed the last bandit and came to his side. "How bad is it?"

"It's alright. It's just a little deep."

"Let me fucking see it!" She removed his hand. "Damn it, I'm so stupid. Damn that fucker for making me do this for you."

"It's nothing that Samedaha can't fix." Kisame smiled and kissed her forehead. He was happy that she cared for him enough to show some concern for him. "Thank you."

"T-thank you? I fucking cut you!" The albino pouted as she crossed her arms as Kisame used his sword to heal himself. "I could have killed you!"

"Good thing you missed then." The shark chuckled softly. "Hey, don't get upset over a little accident. You didn't take my life."

"But I could have. Don't make it seem like it was no big deal, Kisame." Hidan sighed. "Can we go home now?"

The former Kiri-nin noticed how upset the young woman and felt bad he had taken it so lightly. "Thanks for being concerned, Hidan."

"Of course I was going to be concerned! You're my fucking boyfriend! Why wouldn't I be concerned?!"

Kisame apologized for being so stupid for saying that. Although it was clear that she cared for him, it was kind of strange seeing the priestess being concerned for anyone other than herself. Hidan wasn't one of those people that showed any kind of compassion or mercy. It was strange for her to be worried about him and not tell him off for getting in the way. He could sort of tell that she wasn't used to showing her more emotional side either.

* * *

*Weeks Later*

"Stop staring at me, motherfucker!" Hidan snapped at the cannibal plant. She still hadn't grown used to the looks that many of the other members gave her. The only people that didn't look at her funny were her partner, Kakuzu, Itachi, Konan, Pein (sometimes), and Kisame. The rest of them just looked at her with lust, wanting to fuck her or at least grope a feel.

"Well excuse me." Zetsu left as soon as Kisame entered the kitchen.

"Mornin' Zetsu." Kisame greeted the plant.

"Good morning, Kisame. **_Your girlfriend's a bitch_**. I agree. Your girlfriend is horrible. **_If you ever get tired of her, we'll be happy to eat her!_**"

"FUCK OFF!" The albino began to throw her food at the plant.

"Ok, we're leaving now!" The plant dodged a grapefruit. "**_You know, you should learn how to shut the fuck when you're fucking Jaws here._**"

Kisame laughed nervously while Hidan turned bright red. Zetsu smirked at her expression. "Oh come on, Hidan-san. **_You know we can ALL hear you._** You're very loud. **_Kisame should put a gag on you more often. Have you ever thought of bondage, Kisame?_** You like pain, don't you Hidan? **_I bet she'd like it if you spanked her and maybe choke her. I think Pein has a couple of torture devices you can borrow._** We would give you our plants, but we care for them too much."

"I hate pain, you idiot. I only tolerant it for Jashin-sama! And anyway, we're not a fucking peep show."

"**_You'd better be. We're already trying to milk this guy-on-girl action by try getting Leader-sama to approve of us making porn._** You two are a gold mine."

"Porn?" Kisame was about to try to get more information, when Hidan began to beat the plant's head with a wooden spoon.

* * *

"Sh-shit! Shit! Kisame…holy fuck!" The albino turned bright red as her boyfriend began to thrust into her ass. The two were trying to have anal sex, but the only one hating it was Hidan. Had she been a man, this might be more enjoyable, but she was a woman. There was no way this was pleasurable.

"You want me to stop, Hidan?" The shark asked noticing the painful expression on her face.

"Shit! Yes…I think you tore something!" the albino whimpered as he finally pulled out.

She bit her lip as he began to pull out, trying not to hurt her. Kisame sighed as Hidan rubbed her bleeding ass. 'Damn. I think I did tear something.'

"Kisame, do me a favor and get me a towel before I fucking bleed to death." she winced as some of the blood dripped onto his bed.

"I'll have to leave and get one from the laundry room."

"Go. I'll be fine. Just lock the door." the priestess said as she used her fingers to hold in her blood while she was still in the doggy style position. "Hurry the fuck up too."

He nodded, locked the door, and left for the towel. Not long after he left, she heard something coming from the closet. Her eyes quickly went over to the closet, seeing it occasionally rattle. Eyes widening, she quickly covered her body, ignoring the pain in her ass. There was someone in there!

Angry she wrapped the covers around her waist and made her way to the closet, then found out who it was. "YOU! YOU SICK ASSHOLE! I HOPE YOU WERE ENJOYING WHAT YOU SAW YOU FREAK!"

"…" Tobi hung his head down ashamed.

"Hand over the fucking camera!" she held out her hand. Tobi looked at his camera and shook his head. "What the fuck? Hand it over!"

"T-tobi can't!"

"Why the fuck not then?!" she asked angrily.

"Dei…I mean…"

'Dei…DEIDARA!' She slapped him across the face…uh mask. "HAND ME THE CAMERA!"

"NO!"

"FUCKING DO IT OR I'LL SKULL FUCK YOU WITH MY…FOOT! HAND IT OVER YOU LITTLE SHIT BOMB!"

"I can't!"

"DO IT!" The priestess started to strangle the ninja.

"N-NO!" Angry, she decided to just grab it, but found that he had a strong grip…a REALLY strong grip.

"I got a towel…holy crap!" Kisame pulled Hidan off of Tobi who fell off on top of the thing he refused to give the albino a minute ago.

"Shoot!" The masked ninja grabbed the broken camera. "Please don't be broken!"

"Let me go! I'm going to kill that little shit!"

"Deidara-senpai is going to kill Tobi!"

"NOT BEFORE ME!" She had somehow escaped her lover's arms and tackled him again. "WHERE IS HE?"

"Tobi doesn't know!" The ninja insisted as Hidan finally grabbed the camera.

"Kisame get rid of this. Deidara is getting my foot up his ass." she smiled evilly as quickly put on her cloak (and some panties) and grabbed her scythe.

"Uh…I don't like where this is going…" The shark said looking through the pictures on the camera. 'Damn…these are some good pictures. I might have to keep these.'

* * *

"…so that'll be $50." Deidara said holding out a brown package.

"50?! WHAT THE HECK?! YOU GAVE THEM TO LEADER-SAMA FOR 35! YOU'RE A CON ARTIST!" Zetsu growled.

"50 bucks or nothing…after all…these are good!" The bomber took out one of the pictures out and waved it in his face. It was an erotic picture of a naked Hidan covered in cum with some dripping out of her wet snatch.

"**_Hm...should we?_** Well the rest could be pretty good…" The dark side of Zetsu scratched his chin. "**_We'll take them._**"

"Changed my mind. $69."

"WHAT?!" the plant slammed his fists on the table. "YOU JUST SAID 50! NOW ITS 69?! WHY?!"

"You took too long and I have more customers to get this shit to." Deidara yawned.

"But…**_let's just take it before he jacks up the price even more_**." The lighter side sighed and forked over the money.

"That's right. Give me the money." the bomber smirked as began rubbing the money up against his face.

"I wish Kakuzu was in the business…**_he would have given us a better price than this jack ass…$69 for some damn porn._** I hope it's pretty good for how much he charged us." Zetsu mumbled as he left for the akatsuki greenhouse while Deidara stayed in the kitchen to count the money had gotten from people he had sold naked Hidan pictures.

* * *

"…498…499…500! YES! HAHAHA! This is totally paying off. Now if only Tobi would get back here with that camera. When they go off for their missions, I'll go get the video cameras."

"While you're at why don't you shove that money up your ass!" Hidan pressed her scythe under his neck.

Deidara's eyes widened and he felt like he was going to faint. She smirked at his expression. "What's wrong, blonde? You aren't going to piss yourself, are you?"

"H-hey Hidan!" he said nervously. "What brings you here?"

"Oh gosh…I don't know…something to do with my…body." She held her weapon tighter against his neck.

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"LIKE HELL YOU DON'T! YOU'RE SELLING PORN OF ME, YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER! I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR HEAD OFF AND SELL YOUR BODY PARTS!"

Just as she swung back her scythe, he took a chance and pulled apart her cloak revealing her breast. Still embarrassed by them (as well as being caught off guard), she dropped her weapon and covered her chest as Deidara ran off.

"Shit!" She ran after him with a thirst the bomber's blood.


	8. Hidan's pregnancy

"Now where's your porn stash?!" Hidan had finally caught up with Deidara.

"I'LL NEVER TELL!" He yelled before she put him in a head lock.

"TELL!"

"NEVER!"

"TELL!"

"NEVER, UN!"

"Deidara, I heard you're charging dumbass prices on albino porn. We need to…" Pein stopped talking when he saw Hidan and Deidara. "Uh…hello Hidan."

"YOU! YOU WERE BUYING IT TOO, WEREN'T YOU!" Hidan had this crazy look in her eyes making Pein shudder.

"Um no…I was talking about…a different albino. Not you of course." he laughed nervously.

"Yes you were fucking talking about me! I heard Zetsu and Deidara talking about it. He gave you a discount on pictures of my body!"

"That must have been some other person and you just misheard him."

"Like hell I did!" Before she could strike Pein or Deidara, the bomber grabbed her breasts catching her off guard once more. "STOP TOUCHING ME YOU PERVERT! I WANT THOSE PICTURES!"

The leader sighed. "Just give her the pictures, Deidara."

"Fine." Deidara reached into his cloak and brought out some packages. "This is all I got."

"Good." Hidan snatched the packages. "AND I'M KEEPING THE FUCKING CAMERAS TOO!"

"What?! But…" seeing the look on his boss's face made him sigh. "Fine."

Kisame felt his nose bleeding as he flipped through some of the pictures. Damn these were good. Maybe Tobi could become a part time photographer and make a shit ton of money. Just then Hidan came into his room, making Kisame quickly hid the photos.

"The nerves of some motherfuckers!" said Hidan tossed the porn at Kisame. "There's some cameras in here somewhere."

"Cameras?"

"HELL YEAH! FOUND ONE!" The albino found a video camera hidden underneath a pile of clothes.

"F-found what?" Kisame looked nervous.

"This under your clothes." This made Kisame blush. "What?"

"That's mine…it's for personal stuff."

"Oh…then where the fuck are all those other cameras?" She mumbled to herself. "Aha!"

She grabbed one that was inside of the closet. After digging through the bedroom, she found five more. "Those dirty bastards…trying to make filthy money in heathen ways! Jashin damn them!"

Kisame had started to say, "Well with a sexy body like yours, who wouldn't want to jerk off to you?", but quickly changed his mind. "What are you going to do with them?"

"I'm giving them to Jashin-sama of course!" Hidan laughed evilly (which course caused a dead bird that Tobi was poking to turn into a zombie and then fall over and die…Tobi then began poking the bird again).

"Of course." Kisame sighed wishing he had found those cameras before.

* * *

"What are you doing fuck face?" Hidan asked her partner as she came into the bedroom.

"Well this is my room too, smart ass." Kakuzu said as he put his money into the safe.

"Oh right." She sighed and scratched her chin. "Hey, Kakuzu."

"Yeah?"

"What do you think of this?" Hidan held out a small black box.

"What the fuck is that?"

"It's a…oh wait." she opened it up revealing a silver engagement ring. "It's an engagement ring!"

"How the heck did you get that?"

"I got it from the Jashin temple." Hidan looked proud of herself. "They've got tons of things custom made for future Jashinists."

"Who said he was going to accept your religion?"

"Don't fucking worry, asshole." she closed the box. "He will."

"If you say so…"

* * *

"Kisame, I have a surprise for you!" she sang out as she stuck her head into her boyfriend's room.

"Oh it's just you!" Kisame sighed in relief. He had been…well you know…beating it…to some albino porn (aka his own girlfriend). "Did you want something?"

"Yes." she said as her boyfriend covered up his lower half. "Close your eyes."

"Okay…as long as it's not one of Zetsu's bonsai trees." he remembered the last time she gave him one. Zetsu threw a fit and flipped shit over until Hidan had enough of hearing him bitch and threw it at him.

"Now open your eyes."

"What is it?"

"A ring?" Kisame stared at the piece of jewelry, confused.

"IT's a fucking engagement ring!" Hidan slid it onto Kisame's ring finger. "I was just wondering if…you know…if you wanted to get married or something…if you don't want to, I could just take it back."

"Hidan…" he turned bright red and kissed her on top of her head. "Of course I will marry you."

"R-really?" Hidan smiled and laughed. "It's a good thing I went ahead and got mine too. Put mine on."

"Sure." Kisame grabbed the other ring and slid it onto her finger, making the priestess smile.

"Heh…Konan's going to be SO fucking jealous!" she giggled at the thought of the older woman raging about how she would never get married and would die old and alone. "I'm getting married before her old ass."

"You shouldn't tease Konan like that, Hidan. Anyway, is Leader-sama okay with this?"

"With what?"

"Us getting married."

"Don't worry about the ginger asshole right now, Kisa-kun. He'll probably be fucking jealous too." she said, not at all worried about it. "Besides, we should celebrate."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Oh, I think you know." she giggled, looking at her (now) fiancée seductively.

###A few weeks later###

"Oh Jashin-sama, what the hell did I try those damn brownies!?" Hidan whimpered as she threw up into the toilet. Not too long ago, Tobi had gotten her to try some brownies he had made. She should have known nobody would eat anything Tobi, the clumsy son of a bitch, made. She only ate it because she liked brownies.

"Hidan! Hurry the fuck up, un!" yelled Deidara. "I gotta pee!"

"Hold on, asshole!" Hidan wiped her mouth. "I'm going to fucking kill that bastard!"

"I DON'T CARE! I GOTTA PISS!" Deidara started dancing outside the door.

"GO TO THE UPSTAIRS ONE THEN!"

"I CAN'T! KONAN'S IN THERE, UN! HER TOILET IS BACKED UP!"

"GO FUCKING USE YOUR'S!"

"ALL OF THE DAMN BATHROOMS ARE FULL 'CUZ OF TOBI'S DUMB ASS GVING EVERYBODY HIS STUPID BROWIES, UN."

"THEN FUCKING PISS OUTSIDE!"

"ZETSU IS OUT THERE! COME ON!" the blonde was in tears from holding it in for so long. Damn Sasori for letting Tobi use their bathroom.

"Shit hold on." she grabbed the bathroom trashcan and came out. Deidara quickly run inside, nearly knocking her over. As she started throwing up her guts in her bedroom, it hit her. If Tobi's brownies gave everyone the shits, then…why was she throwing up? Before she could question it any further, she threw up again.

"My ass will never be the same again." Kakuzu groaned emerging from the bathroom.

"You ate some too, huh?"

"GOOD GOD! What the fuck happened to you?!" the miser looked repulsed at the site of the sick woman.

"Tobi happened." she groaned.

"Don't get any on the floor." he made a face and covered his nose, not wanting to smell the foul fluids coming from her mouth.

"If you see Kisame, tell him to come here." She threw up again.

"Fine, but go in the bathroom and **stay** there." Kakuzu sighed as she continued to barf into the trash. "I swear, if you get that stuff on the floor, I'm going to kill you."

She rolled her eyes and sat back on the bed, feeling tired. She'd get up when she felt like it. Fuck what that asshole thought and said. If he wanted her to move so badly, he'd move her.

After a couple of hours, the young priestess decided to go for a walk to help settle her stomach. Mother of Jashin, why was this happening to her? This was worse than the time she had her period. Was this a message from Jashin-sama this time? Stopping by the nearest lake, she prayed to her god, hoping for an answer.

"Oh Lord Jashin-sama! I'm here to pray to you about this sick feeling in my stomach. Ever since I ate Tobi's stupid brownies, I've been feeling this way. Please, tell give me a sign that this will pass. Also, I hope you liked those bonsai trees I burned. Zetsu wasn't doing anything with those things anyway, so I…"

"AHA! SO IT WAS YOU!" Zetsu yelled, interrupting her prayer.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! SHOULDN'T YOU BE ON THE TOILET?!"

"It passed!" he glared at her. "Now I've been trying to be nice to you, but now you've done it!"

"Nice to me?! You've been trying to rape me, not to mention you bought porn of me from that blonde fucker!"

"Well…I…I COULD HAVE EATEN YOU!"

"Over a fucking plant?!"

"That was my baby! Do you realize how much care and fertilizer those things require?!"

"Nobody cares that how much of a dump you took to keep those pieces of shit alive!" She rolled her eyes, reaching for her scythe. "If you wanna fuck with me, bring it on! I've gotten used to his thing, so your ass is fucking mine!"

"Bring it on."

The two then engaged in battle, with Zetsu winning overall with the help of his ability to split into two sides. Dark Zetsu tackled her from behind as she was about to strike the lighter side, who had fallen on the ground. This caused her to fall over on her stomach, bringing back that sick feeling.

"Oh Jashin-sama!" she cried out before throwing up on the ground.

"EW! GROSS!" Black Zetsu let go of her and backed up.

"You barfed on me!" the other side said, looking disgusted at the barf on his foot.

"Don't complain. You attacked me first, you piece of…" she threw up again. However since Zetsu was so busy worrying about cleaning the stuff, he ended up getting barfed on again.

"AH! She did it again!" White Zetsu pulled his foot back.

"That's it! I'm eating her!" the other side, who was also trying to clean his lighter side's foot, started to eat her, when she heaved her lunch again. "Never mind. I'm not eating her. She might be sick."

After getting the stuff of white Zetsu's foot, the two sunk into the ground to go shower the filth off. Meanwhile, Hidan made her way back to the house to go see Konan. Maybe this was a feminine thing too. Once she got to her room, she threw up at the doorway. Just then Pein was leaving his childhood's friend's room only to naturally step into the albino's barf.

"EW! What the fuck is…" he saw Hidan bent over with her head in a trashcan. "Crap. Konan, get out here and…handle her."

"Hm?" Konan came out of her room and saw Pein cleaning up Hidan's lunch and Hidan's head in the trash. "Pein, what's going on?"

"I don't know and I really don't give a fuck."

"Hidan, what's the matter?" The purple haired woman asked as she placed a hand on the younger woman's shoulder.

"I…" she threw up once more.

"Come on. Let's take you to a doctor. Pein, I'm going to need one of your bodies to help me take Hidan to a doctor."

"Why can't you just take her to Sasori or Kakuzu?"

"One word…brownies."

"AGAIN!?"

"Yes." she sighed.

"I thought Sasori doesn't eat!"

"He loves brownies." she shrugged.

"Shit…note to self…watch Tobi in kitchen."Pein left the room and came back with Zein, the buffest "Pein" he had. "Here take this one. Don't get him so damaged. He's my personal massage therapist."

"What? How come I wasn't notified? I could use a massage sometimes."

"Konan, you're talking about the same Pein body that gives you the creeps whenever it looks at you."

"Oh right…" She said as Zein picked up the albino. "Come on, let's get to the clinic."

"…so is she going to be okay?" Konan asked the old doctor.

"Oh she'll be just fine. It's just nausea." the doctor handed her a bottle of pills. "Just give her these every four days with water or just crush them and put them into her food. It's normal for woman in her condition."

"So it's just the flu?"

"What? Of course not! Every expecting mother experiences nausea."

"EXPECTING?!" The older woman covered up her mouth shocked as the young woman still confused.

"Yes. Miss Hidan is expecting. I mean look." he pulled up the young woman's shirt, revealing…a flat belly.

"There's nothing there…" she looked confused.

"N-nothing there?! WHAT?! DO YOU NOT SEE THIS LITTLE BELLY BUMP?"

"Looks like bloating to me…"

"IT'S A MINI BUMP YOU ASSHOLE!" He suddenly cleared his throat, obvious annoyed.

"What the hell are two going on about?!" Hidan growled.

"You're pregnant!" said the doctor, frustrated that the two didn't know she was with child.

"What?"

"YOU'RE HAVING A BABY!"

"A…a baby?" Her eyes widened. "You're not serious, are you?"

"Yep. You're 12 weeks pregnant." the doctor was taking some aspirin. "Did your mother here keep you in the dark or something?"

"MOTHER?!" How dare he call her old! "I'm her boss's right-hand woman! I am not her mother!"

"Right." the old man rolled his eyes.

"How come I'm not showing?" Hidan had always thought when women were pregnant were sporting a huge belly.

"You are…look. You're fat." he pressed her hand on her belly.

"I don't feel fat."

"You'll feel that weight slowly coming in a week or so." he laughed. "Now that you officially know you're pregnant, here's a book on pregnancy and some other junk you'll need."

He handed Konan a huge pregnancy book and Hidan pregnancy pamphets about what she need to do in order to have a happy healthy baby. Once they left the clinic, they walked back to the hideout in silence until Konan decided to break the ice. "Hidan?"

"What?" she asked looking up from praying to Jashin.

"So…um…congratulations?"

"I guess…NOW DON'T FUCKING INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M PRAYING TO JASHIN!"

"Geez…I was just saying I'm happy for you. It would be nice to have a baby in the house from now on." The older woman said smiling a little. 'Just ease her into telling you Konan...'

"You just aren't going to stop until you know who the father is, aren't you?"

"Who is it?" she asked bluntly.

"Kisame, duh!"

"K-kisame?"

"Yeah. Who'd you think it was?"

"Well I thought…" Konan had begun to suggest that Tobi (aka Obito/Madara) had impregnated her for a powerful immortal heir, but quickly disregarded it. Pein and she would have been notified of it. "…nevermind, it doesn't matter anyway. Are you going to tell him?"

"Of course I fucking am! He's the father." Hidan placed a hand on her small stomach. 'I wonder if it'll look like Kisame'

* * *

"So what was wrong with Hidan?" Pein asked as he sipped coffee with Obito, aka "Madara".

"She's pregnant."

"WAH?!" Madara had spat out his coffee while Pein looked shocked.

"She's 12 weeks and she isn't showing…yet." she added as she sat down beside the still shocked best friend and boss.

"Holy crap…I don't know what to say…" Pein turned to Madara. "Do you have anything to add, Madara?"

"I...I'm not sure how to feel. Who's the father? That's the first thing I have to know before I say anything."

"Kisame."

"Oh…well fine with me." Madara sat back into his chair. "I thought I was going to be someone like…well…Deidara."

"You're okay with this?" The older man was confused.

"Of course I'm okay with Hidan having Kisame's child. He has a ton of good genes that would be good for an immortal child. I might have to get them to pop out another one once her body heals from having it."

"What?" Konan and Pein stared at each other.

"Make sure her pregnancy goes well." was all Madara said before getting up.

"Y-yes Madara." the duo said as their boss left the room.

* * *

"You do realize that if you marry Hidan, you're going to have to become a Jashinist, right?" Itachi said as Kisame was cleaning his sword. Kisame had been telling the Uchiha all about his upcoming wedding to the albino.

"Yeah I know, but it'll be worth it for me to marry Hidan…even if I'm not really sure about being a Jashinist. It can't hurt, Itachi. I mean, if I wasn't already a killer, I might be having doubts, but I kill on missions, so I may as well.

"I see…just don't be over the top like she is."

"No worries about that. I'll still be the same old Kisame." He laughed at the Uchiha's worries that he might become like Hidan.

"Kisame!" Hidan burst into the room and jumped into her fiancée's lap. "I got good fucking news!"

"What?"

"I'm having a baby!"

"Wah?!" Kisame was shocked. He was going to become a father? He felt like he could celebrate. He was going to be a daddy! He had never thought it would happen to him. "A-are you sure?"

"Y-yeah! I'm…" she looked down at her hand. "…12 weeks pregnant, going on 13 next week…"

"So you'll start showing a little bit in a few more days." Kisame placed a hand underneath her shirt to touch her belly.

"Yeah!" Hidan smiled. "I've gotta start watching what I fucking eat and shit…"

"…and being carefully where you stab." finished Kisame. "You're caring for two now. I don't want you to accidentally stab your stomach and kill the baby. It's not very big now, but you still have to watch out."

"Oh! You mean I can't stab myself?!"

"You can, but not near the baby. Actually, I rather you not stab yourself at all." The shark sighed as Hidan looked upset.

"You mean…I can't properly kill for Jashin-sama anymore?! What kinda bullshit is that?"

"I'm sorry Hidan, but now that this baby's here…" here he rubbed her belly. "…you have to be super careful!"

"Fine. I'll do it the old fashion way then." she sighed. Kisame looked relived and kissed her forehead.

"Did you tell Leader-sama?"

"No. Konan's breaking this shit down for him." she tapped her chin. "Do you think the baby'll be blue?"

"Blue? Like me? I hope not." Kisame then recalled how everyone in his youth used to think something was wrong with him. His mother had pale blue while his father didn't. Why she had blue skin, he didn't know. Hopefully, his child wouldn't have the same skin tone.

"I think our baby would be cute blue…just like his daddy." She purred, making Kisame blush.

* * *

"Did you hear that, Deidara? Looks like we've got some new porn material…pregnant albino porn." Zetsu whispered to the man beside him.

"Hell yeah…do you think her tits lactate yet?" Deidara whispered back.

"You guys are tit-ible!" Tobi whispered.

"How the fuck did you get in our top secret camera room?!"

"This is Kisame and Itachi's closet. ANYONE can get in." Tobi said stating the obvious.

"Did somebody say something to me?" Itachi said looking up from the book he was reading while his partner and fiancée were talking about the unborn child. Zetsu, Deidara, and Tobi quickly covered up their mouths.

* * *

"What did fuckwad say about the baby?" the priestess asked as she sat on Konan's bed.

"Mad…I mean Pein said you can keep it…but…"

"Oh shit…what?"

"You've got to go on a diet, no more stabbing yourself for Jashin, the missions you go on are limited, and you have to pay attention to my lessons."

"All of that I can do all that shit except listen to you go the fuck on about shit I hate."

"Well you have to listen. You can't act like you do after this baby is born and you need to learn about being a good mother. It's kind of hard to believe you actually want it."

"Who the fuck are you calling a bad mother!? You've got some fucking nerve! You don't even have kids you whore!"

"I'm not saying you're a bad mother, Hidan. I'm just saying that your attitude just needs a bit of adjusting and you need to be a whole lot nicer and have a lot more patience before this baby comes out. I mean, you act like you don't like children."

"I don't like brats, asshole." the priestess defended herself. "My baby is not going to act like those fucking morons on those videos you showed me. And for your information, I do have patience and I can be nice."

"Okay then Hidan…how about this. If you can prove to me that you do have patience, can be nice, as well as stop cursing, you don't have to listen to me anymore about how to take care of a baby unless you want me to."

"That'll be too fucking easy." she laughed.

"Hidan…"

"Oh right. Starting now."


	9. Little Miss Behavior School: Part I

"…so I've got be fu-…I mean freaking nice, have patience, and stop cursing…I can't believe I'm saying this, but...I need you to help me." Hidan shivered. "I almost threw up a little."

"You need Tobi to help you?" Tobi said tapping his mask where his chin was located. "Why?"

"Because, a…I mean Tobi, you're the nicest person I know and I could learn a lot from you." she stated, trying not to throw up at the thought of her actually learning something from him of all people. "So will you help me?"

"What's in it for Tobi?"

"What do you mean what's in it for you?!"

"Zetsu told Tobi that if you want something to be done for you, you're going to have to give something back."

"Yeah, yeah sure. Just teach me and I'll do whatever you want for a whole month."

"Whatever I want? Okay, Hidan-san! I'll teach you!" after shaking hands with the pregnant woman, he dragged her into the kitchen. "Hold on a minute, Hidan-san."

Tobi then began rummaging through the cleaning supplies underneath the kitchen cabinet. After a minute he found a spray bottle, poured the stuff out, rinsed it out, and poured some water in it. The priestess was a bit confused why he was doing this.

"What the heck are you doing, lollipop face? I thought…" suddenly she got sprayed in the face. "Hey what the fuck?!"

"Bad girl! Bad!" He continued to spray her in the face. "You called Tobi a name and cursed."

"Stop it!"

"Say please!"

"Please stop!" He stopped spraying her face, leading her to strangle him. "YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I'LL DEGUT YOU AND SHOVE MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS!"

Hidan suddenly felt a bunch of cold water get poured on her and quickly let go of Tobi. "AAAAAAH! WHAT THE HELL!? YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

"Bad Hidan!" Tobi shook his head. "You're doing bad."

"HOW?! YOU POURED COLD WATER ON ME, YOU LITTLE FUCKER!"

"That's because you were a bad girl! Every time Hidan is a bad girl, she'll get sprayed."

"Well you could have fucking said that, you little turd."

"Would you like more cold water poured on you?" asked Tobi's clone.

"NO!" She shivered in her wet clothes. "Fine…let's start over. Let me change my fu…"

Tobi raised up the spray bottle while the clone rose up the bucket of cold water. "I mean, let me change my clothes and I'll be back."

"Stupid Tobi…why does he always have to be so damn stupid? Why is he the only one I can depend on to teach me how to be nice and shit?" she mumbled to herself as she made her way to her room, dipping along the way. "I guess I have to deal with him until I can show Konan that I am a good mother."

"What the hell happened to you?" Kakuzu said as Hidan entered the room, dripping water all over the place.

"Tobi happened. Konan said if I learned how to be nice, have patience, be a good mother, as well as stop cursing, she wouldn't make me listen to her blab about shit."

"So you asked Tobi to teach you…I wish him luck…and stop getting water all over the damn floor. Somebody's going to slip and break their back."

"Shut the hell up! You can blame Tobi for that shit, ya old bastard. Go suck a dick."

"Looks like Konan's going to win that bet." Kakuzu chuckled softly as Hidan began to change inside of the bathroom, but not before drying herself off.

"What do you mean that Konan's going to win?! That bitch is not going to win!" Hidan slid a shirt on. "I will prove that bitch wrong and you too, dirtbag!"

"We'll see. If you pull this off, I'll eat Tobi's brownies for a whole month."

"You'll regret those words, asshole!"

The miser laughed and started reading a newspaper. "We'll see."

The young woman glared at her partner. "Fuck you. Fuck you straight up the damn ass! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta meet up with the fuck-wad Tobi."

"You're back!" Tobi said standing up. As it turned out, he had set up a sort of tea party thing full of teapot, little teacups, and food. "Please sit down, Hidan-san."

"What the hell is this shit?" this earned Hidan to be sprayed again. "YOU LITTLE SHIT! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

"Bad Hidan-san! You said bad words! Try again."

"Sorry…what is this?"

"Tobi set up a little tea party for Hidan-san to teach her manners. Sit please." said the masked ninja.

"Okay…" she took a seat in one of the chairs. "Now what?"

"Would you like some tea, Hida-san?" Tobi asked sitting down.

"What the hell is this?" asked Hidan holding up one of the cups. "This is shitty is as fuck!"

"Bad girl!" he sprayed her once more. "Try again!"

"Jashin! Okay! Okay!" she sighed. "Yes, Tobi. I would like some tea."

Tobi poured her some tea. "Would you like some brownies?"

"WHAT? OH FUCK NO!" this earned her to be sprayed again. "WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY THEN?!"

Tobi sighed. "Thank you or no thank you."

'This is going to take forever…' Obito thought.

"No thank you then." Hidan noticed there were some cookies on the table. "OH! COOKIES!"

She instantly grabbed some and began to stuff them into her mouth with them. The other ninja used his spray bottle. "Bad girl! Bad!"

"WHAT?" she asked with her mouth full.

"Put the cookies down and ask for them politely…and don't talk with your mouth full." sighed Tobi.

"Oh." she put down the cookies, swallowed the ones she had stuffed into her mouth, and wiped her mouth with her arm, only to be sprayed again. "What?! What the fu…fudge did I do!?"

"You're supposed to use a napkin."

"Oh." she picked up a napkin and wiped her mouth.

"Good Hidan!"

"Can I have a cookie?"

"It's '**_May_** I have a cookie.'" said Tobi.

"What? **_MAY_** I have a cookie?"

"Yes you may." he handed Hidan a cookie.

Of course Hidan stuffed into her mouth, making Tobi spray her. "What now?"

"Take a small bite and don't just shove it in."

"Fine. May I please have another one so I can fu…freaking try again?" the priestess asked as politely as she could.

"Yes you may."

Trying as hard as she could to resist shoving it into her mouth, she slowly placed the sweet into her mouth and took a small bite. "Good Hidan-san!"

Hidan opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it when Tobi pointed his bottle at her. After chewing it a little, she swallowed it. "Tobi, who made these cookies?"

"Konan, why?"

"CUZ THAT BITCH CAN'T COOK SHIT! THESE THINGS TASTE LIKE FEET!" Hidan drank some tea and spit it out. "This shit is hot! What are you trying to do?! Burn my tongue off and kill my baby?!"

"Bad girl! Bad!" the masked ninja sprayed her. "Listen Hidan-san. I know you want to be a better future mother, but Tobi thinks you should just listen to Konan."

"But I don't wanna listen to Konan! You have to teach me, Tobi! I can't stand listening to her!" Hidan grabbed the masked ninja's hand and gave it a hard squeeze. "Please, Tobi! I promise I'll actually try! Come on Tobi! You know you're the only one who can truly teach me! PLEASE!"

'Holy shit she has a strong grip! I think my hand is breaking!' Obito thought before saying, "O-okay Hidan-san…just let go of Tobi's hand! It hurts!"

"Yes!" Hidan let go of Tobi's hand. "Thank you Tobi! I promise I'll try harder!"

"You're welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see a doctor."

* * *

After a few weeks with Tobi, Hidan had improved…some. Tobi had taken the time (and patience) to teach Hidan how to be a lady, however some habits were hard to break. She no longer ate like a little piggy and was somewhat polite, but she still had a hard time not cursing or being rude occasionally. Tobi felt like giving up on her, but suddenly a sign from above showed him the way…literally. A gust of wind came out of nowhere and blew a piece of paper on top of his head.

"What the hell is this?" Obito grabbed and read it. It was a flyer from an obedience school called, "Little Miss Behavior School: We'll turn your little girls into little ladies."

$%#%#^%&$

"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU MEAN I'M GOING TO A FREAKIN' ACADEMY FOR BRATS?!" Hidan hit Tobi with the flyer. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME! NOT SOME HIPSTER BITCH!"

"I-it's for your own good!" Tobi stuttered as Hidan looked like she was going to murder him on the spot. '…and for mine as well.'

"My own good?! Give me one fucking reason why I shouldn't murder you right now, Tobi?"

"B-because…uh…it's a test of how well you can behave. Besides, Tobi still can't get Hidan –san to stop saying bad words and being a little less rude."

"Well I'm not going!" Hidan slapped Tobi with the paper. "Give me one reason why I should go! ONE!"

"If you don't go or…or I'll tell Kisame that you have sexy-time with Deidara!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE PROOF!"

"Yes Tobi does!" Tobi snatched out a picture of Deidara with his legs spread and "Hidan" giving him a blowjob.

"W-what?! That is NOT me!" she started to take the photo, but then he used his sharingan effect on the woman.

Hidan blinked a couple of times. "What the hell just happened?! And where's my fucking scythe?"

"Are you going or not?" Tobi said simply.

"Fine, but if you ever show Kisame that obviously fake picture, I will kill you!"

"Pack your stuff because you're going to be gone for two weeks."

"TWO WEEKS?!" Hidan opened her mouth, but then closed it when Tobi flashed the picture, she closed her mouth. Even though pictures didn't lie, she knew she never gave Deidara a blowjob. Hell, she never gave Kisame one. However, it was her word against that stupid picture. Sighing, she decided to just do what Tobi told her.

**chool**

"Be a good girl Hidan-san!" Tobi said patting the albino's head as she glared at the man. "Don't forget to write!"

"I'll visit you." Kisame said kissing his future wife.

"Try not to kill anybody." added Pein.

Hidan hissed at Tobi and Pein. Sure they had come to see her off to the academy, but that didn't mean that she wanted them to. She hated that she had been blackmailed to attend the fucking school, despite only going for two weeks. Full of emotion (most of it coming from her pregnancy), she jumped on her boyfriend, crying. "I don't wanna go! Don't let them make me go!"

"I can't, Hidan-chan. Leader-sama wants you to go, too." He patted her back. "Just go, okay?"

"Fine, I'll go, but I want that picture when I come back!" She said to Tobi.

"What picture?" asked the orange haired man.

"Uh nothing Leader-sama! Oh look at the time! BYE HIDAN!" the lollipop took off running.

$Inside$

Hidan took her bag inside of the school, cursing Tobi and Pein. She'd get them back as soon as she came back. Once inside, she was greeted by little brunette headed girl with pigtails. "HI! I'm Lila! What's your name?"

"Uh…Hidan…" She looked disgusted at the little brat. She was going to be one of those overly friend bitches, wasn't she?

"Oh! I know who you are! You're a new student here! I've been waiting for you ALL day!" she giggled.

"It's only 11'O clock."

"I KNOW! Miss Mary told me that we're going to be partners!"

"Partners?" the priestess didn't understand. She already had a partner.

"Yes! Buddies! Amigos! Friends! We're going to do everything together!" Lila giggled again. "We're going to share a room! Come on!"

Lila skipped down the hallway, dragging the albino behind her. Their room was all frilly with the curtains, rugs, and…well pretty much everything being pink with three beds. Their semi-large beds consisted of a large dark pink curtain surrounding each bed, for privacy, with Hidan's bed's curtain revealing a bunch of pillows and teddy bears.

"What the hell is this shit!?" She tossed the bears on the floor.

"Miss Hidan! Please don't curse!" Lila covered up her innocent little ears.

"Oh shit, I forgot." she started putting away her things. Hidan suddenly saw a small hand reaching out to her bag and slapped it. "What the heck are you doing?"

"Oh. I was just helping."

"Oh…well go on." The priestess suddenly felt the urge to throw up again and ran into the room's bathroom to relive herself.

"Oh dear! Are you alright?" Lila ran inside hugging the pregnant woman.

"Get off me!" she growled. "I'm pregnant."

"What? That's so sweet!" the little girl giggled. "Have you thought of any names for the baby?"

"FUCK OFF!" Hidan yelled. "Jashin-sama, can't you see I'm busy!?"

Lila pouted and left. She sighed. Once this week was over, that little girl would be the first one to be given to Jashin-sama. After falling asleep, Lila came in and told the priestess that it was time for class.

Hidan sighed and followed the little girl to a large room full of desks and girls of various ages all of which were nowhere near her age. For the first time in her life, she felt awkward being in a room with girls much younger than her.

"Hey everybody!" Lila yelled, making everyone look at the brunette. "We have a new student!"

"No duh, Lila. We can see her." said a blond snobbish looking little girl. Her little friends laughed.

"No kidding." added a raven haired girl, pushing up her glasses.

"Nice outfit." added a lavender haired girl, chewing her gum with her mouth open. "Where'd ya get it? The trashcan?"

'Did this bitch just…oh hell no!' Hidan opened her mouth to say something, when she was interrupted by the blonde bitch.

"So. Where are you from?"

"None of your business." Hidan was trying so hard not to bash the little girls' heads in.

"Miss Hidan, these are…"

"We can talk, Lila." said the blonde girl, rolling her eyes. "I'm Cleo."

"I'm Pearl." said the lavender haired girl.

"…and I'm Jade." said the raven.

"I'm Hidan."

"Hidan? What a nice name! What does it mean?" Cleo in a sarcastic tone.

"Listen you little brat…keep up the attitude and I'll show you pain."

"Ooooh! We're so scared!" Jade said grabbing Pearl's arm.

"Come on, girls. This girl ain't nothin' but talk." Cleo snapped her fingers and the girls went to the back of the classroom.

"YOU'D BETTER RUN, YOU LITTLE SKANK! YOU'RE ON MY LIST!" The priestess yelled. "IF I HAD MY DAMNED WEAPONS, YOU'D GO STRAIGHT TO JASHIN-SAMA! JUST WAIT UNTIL THESE TWO WEEKS ARE OVER! JUST FUCKING WAIT!"

"Miss Hidan! PLEASE don't curse and PLEASE don't anger them. Those are the three most popular and evilest girls at this academy! They will ruin you!"

"Let 'em try! I'll shove my fists down their fucking throats! Just watch!" She shook her fist.

"Okay class settle down, please!" an old woman walked into the room and waved her arms around, pleading with the class to shut up.

"Who's that old hag?"

"That's Mrs. Birch. She's the teacher." said Lila. "Oh! I nearly forgot! Mrs. Birch! We have that new student here!"

"Ah yes…Miss Hidan." she said after looking at her notepad. "May I ask you why you're taking this class? I have nothing against you taking classes here, but your form never did mention why you were signed up here."

"I…" Hidan was about to tell her about Konan's bitching, but decided not to. "You see, I'm trying to become a better mother by trying to have more patience, adjust my attitude, and set an example for my child."

"That's very good! I'm glad you're willing to learn more about being a good mother. May I ask the child's age?"

"I'm 5 months pregnant."

"Really? You don't look that big."

"I'm wearing a cloak." Hidan then mumbled. "…dipshit…"

"I see…Oh dear! I've run on, haven't I? Please get in your seats, children. We're about to start!" Mrs. Birch turned and went up to the board. Like with Konan, Hidan felt herself getting bored fast, but made herself sit up and stay awake. However she didn't pay any attention. She was too busy planning revenge on those little bitches.

"…and those are the benefits of being a polite little lady!" The old woman finished. "Any questions?"

"I have one!" Lila said raising her hand.

"Yes Lila?"

"Will being nice and polite get us a future husband?"

"If you want a wife that's also a throw rug…" Cleo said loudly enough for everyone in the class to hear even though she was supposedly speaking to her friends.

"Who said that?" Birch glared at the class.

"It was Hidan!" Pearl yelled.

Before Hidan could get say anything, Birch took out a horse crop. "Come here Miss Pearl and Miss Cleo."

Hidan glared at the girls and went over to the old hag. 'I swear to Jashin-sama, I'll kill her if she believes those two bastard children.'

"Now tell me children…what do you think happens when you lie?"

Nobody spoke for a minute, until someone in the back raised their hand. "Do you make them wash dishes?"

"No. They get beat with a crop."

"WHAT?" Pearl yelled, glaring the old lady. "Ah!"

Pearl got hit with the crop on the legs. That's what she got by wearing shorts. Cleo tried hard not to laugh, but then got hit herself and harder than her friend. Hidan, who should have been enjoying this, was too busy being distracted by the blue haired goth teenager poking her.

"What are you doing?!" Hidan hissed.

"Hey." said the blue haired teenager.

"Is that all wanted you fucking wanted?"

After the teenager said nothing, the albino turned around and watched the show. 'They think that's fucking bad, wait until I get a hold of them.'

After a good popping, the old woman pointed her rod at them. "Let this be a good lesson for you…ALL of you. Now apologize."

"For what?" said Cleo before the old woman hit her. "OW! Okay! Sorry."

"Sorry." Both apologizes were fake as fuck, of course, but nobody gave a fuck.

"Good. Now sit down."

After the class was over, Lila and Hidan attended dancing class. Hidan made a face. She thought they were supposed to learning how to be "little ladies", not how to dance. Of course everybody got to dance with each other since there were no boys at the school. Hidan was partnered up with the poking teenager from earlier. Everyone, of course, was partners with another girl, but around their age.

"Miss Hidan, you're partnered up with Miss Nicole." said the instructor of the class.

Hidan had no clue who that was until the poking girl poked her…again. "What do you want?"

"We're partners, bitch." She looked surprised. Did this girl just call her a bitch? The priestess glared at the goth teenager.

"Don't all me a bitch, asshole!" The Jashinist made a mental note to take this girl's life, too.

"Let's just get this over with." Violet grabbed the pregnant woman by the hips and pressed their bodies together, making it a bit awkward.

As the students began to do the waltz, Hidan felt her ass being grabbed by her own partner. The albino wanted to beat the shit out of the blue haired girl, but feared she would be kicked out and Tobi would show that picture to Kisame.

"Listen you little brat…if you don't stop touching my ass, you're dead meat."

"I'm not touching your ass." the gothic woman said. "You only think I'm touching it. Your ass is so big that you think I am when it's just your ass is rubbing up against my ass."

"Jashin-sama help me." she felt like stabbing the girl, but decided to wait it out…plus she didn't have anything to stab her. Instead, she grabbed her amulet and said a silent prayer.

"What the fuck are you doing?" said the goth teen.

"None of your damn business, asshole." Hidan went back to praying. This lead to the two bumping into Lila and Jade.

"Watch where you're walking, clumsy!" Jade yelled.

"Excuse us, Miss Hidan!" Lila apologized.

"Fuck off!" Violet flipped the raven off.

"How dare you speak to _me _like that, peasant!" She glared at the teenager.

"Don't call me a peasant, you little rich brat. I'll slit your throat right now!" the blue haired woman took out a small survival knife.

Frightened, the young girls jumped back and quickly ran away. The priestess looked surprised. "Didn't your parents check you for some weapons?"

"Hell yeah, but I hid pretty damn good." Violet said, smirking.

"Where?" Hidan was pretty curious as she had been strip searched by her fiancée.

"Up my snatch." she expected Hidan to look disgusted or amazed or any reaction someone would make after finding out that she hid a blade up her vagina.

"Really? LAME!"

"Oh? Then where do you hide your weapons then?"

"Strapped on my back…watch where you're stepping!" The albino growled as Violet stepped on her foot.

"And you call me lame." she laughed.

"Hmph, well I can't help that my scythe's too big to hide inside me. Why do you keep it up there anyway? Doesn't it hurt when you walk or are you?"

"Not really. I mean, I DO have a knife cover. I ain't crazy." said the blue haired girl. "Who the fuck walks around with a bare knife up their pussy?"

"I know right?" Hidan looked up at the clock. "Shit. How long is this class? We've been doing this crap forever!"

"I know right?" the blue haired girl spat on a girl who had stumbled over her partner's long skirt and bumped into her. "Watch it, cunt! Anyway, you're lucky you only came for a little bit. The boring part comes tomorrow when you get the whole experience."

"Well shit."

"So…what are you doing here?"

"I got fucking blackmailed and so now I have to come to this damn school…besides that, my boss made me."

"I'm here so I can turn into that." she then turned and pointed to Lila.

"I knew a girl like that…I killed her after she tried to have sex with me." Hidan said, springing forth a flashback.

**_FLASHBACK_**

**_"Why do I have to go out with her?" Hidan complained to his partner as they spied on a blonde woman giggling with her friends and occasionally looking over to their table in the small restaurant._**

**_"Yes you do. You have to get close enough to her so we can get that scroll back that she stole." Kakuzu explained. _**

**_"Why can't you do it?!" Hidan pouted. "I thought we were gonna kill her!_**

**_"The plan has changed. She's interested in you and so you need to distract her, grab the scroll, and come back to the hotel."_**

**_"Then after that can I kill her?"_**

**_"Yes."_**

****_a couple of dates later_****

**_After three dates with the blonde kunoichi, she was starting to fall for the albino and after their date, took him back to the hotel room she was staying in. Flopping on the bed she said, "These past 2 weeks have been the best ever!"_**

**_"Mm-hm…" Hidan said looking around for the scroll._**

**_As she spoke more gibberish, he continued to look unitl he saw it underneath a pile of clothes and was about to quickly when she said, "…what I'm trying to say is that I love you."_**

**_"What?"_**

**_"I said I love you."_**

**_"I barely know you…how can you…"_**

**_"I know it sounds funny, but I feel as if I was born just to love you and be with you…forever."_**

**_"Huh? WHAT THE HELL?! THAT'S THE MUST STUPID FUCKING THING I'VE EVER HEARD!" Hidan jumped off the bed. _**

**_"I know we've only known each other for a little bit, but I feel as if we were destined to be together!"_**

**_"W-what? Hell no! I don't love you!"_**

**_"What? I don't understand. You took me on a date every day this week, you treated me like a princess, we had sex, and I'm even pregnant!"_**

**_"WHAT? Last time I checked, I was a virgin! That ain't my baby!"_**

**_"What do you mean this isn't your baby?" She punched the priest in the jaw. "IT IS!"_**

**_"NO I AIN'T GET THE FUCK BACK BITCH!"_**

**_"HAVE SEX WITH ME!"_**

**_"NO!"_**

**_"DO IT!"_**

**_"NO!"_**

**_The ninja tackled the man and tried to force his clothes off._**

**_*1 hour later* _**

**_"Stupid whore." Hidan sighed as he spat down at the young dead woman. "If that was a baby, then I'm a fucking woman."_**

**_End Flashback_**

"So you killed her just because she wanted to fuck?"

"Huh? I was having a flashback there…yeah I did."

"Why?"

"Why? I was a virgin, I already had someone I liked, and I was saving myself for him."

"So you're straight?"

"No…well really it doesn't really matter to me."

"So you don't care what gender your lover is?"

"Nope."

"I'll have to remember that…" Violet mumbled to herself.


End file.
